


Like tidal waves

by gravityplant



Series: Like tidal waves [au] [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Mental Health Issues, No Major Character Death, Past minor character death, Phandom Big Bang, Phandom Big Bang 2019, Single Father, Strangers to Lovers, Vacation, discussions about mental illness, hopeful/ happy ending, single parent, themes of death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-19 07:02:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 24,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20653109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gravityplant/pseuds/gravityplant
Summary: Phil's a single father dealing with a touchy kid and a turmoil of emotions after a terrible accident that has torn Phil's perfect life into shreds. He gets advised to go on a vacation away from the buzz of the city with faith in his heart that this might be what solves all of their problems... What he doesn't expect is to meet someone that's going to turn the tide in Phil's life.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Written for Phantom Big Bang 2019  
Author: gravityplant (tumblr)  
Beta: dnpszn (tumblr) Thank you so much for helping me beta, it has been fun to work with you :)  
Artist: phansb (tumblr) The art is so cute! I love it! I'll link it as soon as possible!

Phil's not sure what to do anymore. A part of him is ready to give up completely and just lay down on the floor and cry. But he has responsibilities, not everything is about him anymore.

There's a name on his lips the second he opens his eyes every morning. Charlie. His name is Charlie and he's Phil's son, his only son to be exact.

He never really knew how it had gotten to the point where days and nights had begun weaving into one another and the only light of his day - seeing Charlie, was slowly taken away. 

Charlie had been a child who'd been very present in this world, with big bright eyes watching everything that happened. He was never quick enough to reply to Phil and he always talked to people, making him more extroverted than Phil had ever been his whole life. And Phil had adored that above all. 

Or... Charlie had been all of that before the accident. 

Now his eyes were mostly distant, the doctors... the many doctors Phil'd spoken to had told him that "oh no, it's just a phase, it's normal" or "your child just has a wild fantasy, don't worry. It’s a good thing". He never laughed with them when they'd jokingly said that as if Phil's worry wasn't significant.

Phil was worried, and majorly so. This wasn't who Charlie really was and seeing him "see" things or play in his own little world scared Phil. Charlie imagined things that weren't there, sometimes scary things that would lead him to not talk for days, no matter how hard Phil tried to get him to do so. 

Sometimes Phil needed Charlie even though Charlie didn't understand why. He sought comfort in the little boy, let him sleep with him in his bed again. Phil would hug the little, soft boy and kiss his temple goodnight. 

But sometimes Charlie's presence wasn't enough to comfort. When that was the case Phil slowly and carefully got out of bed and went out on the balcony. 

He'd unlock his phone and open the old voice messages he'd saved and listened to them. To Alex's voice singsonging to Phil about how their first date had been. If he listened closely he could hear himself in the background, complaining about his now ex-boyfriend leaving him for his stupid phone ("come back and snuggle me, you weirdo!") 

A single tear makes its way down his face, landing on the screen... and then another. But it's nothing he can't deal with, or at least, that what he's telling himself. There are people having much worse problems than he is.

-

Phil's problems are growing bigger. Like grey clouds forging themselves upon a previously clear blue sky. 

Before he gives up completely he's decided to visit one last doctor. Louise had called him about it, telling him she knew this doctor from college and that she's great. Phil so badly wants to believe her.

But his trust for other people has diminished quite a lot ever since Charlie started to act like this. There are times when he has to work and Charlie can't come with. Those are one of the worst moments in his life. Letting go for a second of Charlie feels like free falling. Like losing everything he's got.

The doctors aren't helping either. They tell him he’s worrying too much, that Charlie is fine. But Phil can see Charlie slipping, losing contact with the outer world. Phil is only there to stand and watch as Charlie ascends into the hazy air, in a metaphorical space ship, becoming smaller and smaller until he's just a speck. 

The only time Charlie isn't as distant is when he gets angry and the recurring fits aren't like him at all. Before, he rarely got angry at all.

He scopes Charlie up in his arms. "Come on little guy, daddy's gonna talk to a doctor again and you'll have to come with, maybe answer a couple of questions, okay?" Charlie nods distantly, his soft little arms coming up to rest around Phil's neck as he carries him through the apartment and outside. With one of his free hands, he twists the car key in his red petite car. 

Soon they're on their way. Phil steals quick little glances Charlie's way to make sure he's okay. Charlie is playing with a Corgi plushy in his hands, eyes glued to the toy like it's his whole world. Phil swallows, shaking his head.

As soon as they're sitting in the waiting room he watches Charlie quietly as he pretends that the Corgi is flying through the air doing big motions with his tiny arms. 

"Charlie," Phil whispers softly. The little boy doesn't look up, he's far too engrossed in his own world. Phil can't help but remember when it wasn't like that, when he would meet Phil's eyes with bright ones. When he'd smile and laugh. They used to have long conversations. Now it feels like that time is aeons away.

Phil sticks out his hand and ruffles through the curls laying messily atop Charlie's head, then sighs deeply. He finds himself gnawing at his own bottom lip involuntarily, again.

His mind wanders to the time before all of this mess occurred. When their tiny little family would take a trip to the beach. The two of them would watch Charlie play in the sand, whilst engaging in a subdued conversation. 

The sand had been smooth under his feet, the air sultry and hot. An azure sky was painted up over their heads. Everything was peaceful and perfect. 

Alex's hair was bleached by the prominent sun. His brown curls pasted to his forehead due to the sweltering heat. Phil didn't care, never had he seen someone so beautiful. 

He looked over at Charlie, his brown mane of hair swaying in the wind. A pair of brown eyes met Phil's. Charlie stuck out his tongue to Phil and Phil had to laugh a little at that 'cuz he's too adorable to be true. Phil looked over at Alex, meeting Phil's gaze with an equally as wide smile painted on his face.

Then he'd get up from the spot beside Phil - where he'd previously been snuggled - to sit down beside their son. Charlie would ask him to help him build "the biggest sandcastle in the world dad!" and Phil would stand in the warm sand and watch them build it together, his heart full of love.

The call of his son's name awakens him from his reminiscing. He shakes his head, the view around him once again becoming crisp and clear. But his head still feels heavy, and the world oddly far away. As if he constantly walks around with a globular aquarium on his head. 

He stands up, albeit a little wobbly, taking his son's hand in his.

"We're here."

-

Cramped in the tiny office are a couch and two armchairs. In front of the couch, a fluffy black carpet is spread out. 

Phil breathes in the musky scent as they take the first step inside the room. The blinds are closed, replacing the bright sunshine with artificial light. It gives the room a cosy feel to it. It almost smells as if they entered a library.

Charlie brightens up immediately when he spots the small box of toys pushed aside, near a wall. He lets go of Phil's hand. The reassurance of his little hand in Phil's gone. 

It leaves Phil feeling impotent. Keeping an eye on him constantly is a must for Phil. He needs to ensure himself that Charlie too doesn't disappear from him. Whether it's in his own dream worlds or not.

Who Phil assumes is the doctor crouches down in front of his son. All Phil can see from where he stands awkwardly is a head full of locks. 

Phil still feels uneasy seeing someone trying to interact with his son. Maybe it's because he's scared that they won't see the changes Phil sees. They'll just tell him his paranoid. He's not. Phil just wants his son back, like he was before. 

"Hi little guy, I can see that you've taken daddy with you today." Phil can hear that the doctor is smiling. Her tone is warm and mellow. 

At first, he was bothered that the doctor turned to his son prime. Phil would've wanted her to say hi to him first at least. To calm Phil's pressured heart with a steady handshake which would bring Phil down on firm ground.

But now after the slight shock, he's more intrigued than irritated. He's never had a doctor do that. Maybe this is a positive sign? 

The doctor's eyes search Charlie's face. For a second worry takes over her features before a kind smile reappears. "But it looks like you've got your eyes on something better, is that right?" For a split second Phil swears that he can see Charlie's eyes flit to the doctor’s but it’s so fast that Phil begins thinking it probably wasn't there to begin with. That he must've imagined it, his son is far away in his own world. 

"Do you want me to help you open the toy box while daddy and I talk?" Charlie doesn't say anything or make any new remarks that he does wish so but the doctor reaches for the box anyway. He places it before Charlie on the rug.

"There you go little guy, have fun!" The doctor stands up brushing away some invisible dirt. She then meets Phil's eyes taking a big step forward to shake Phil's hands with a bright smile.

"Hi you must be Charlie's dad, I'm Jane." Her hair is blonde and curly. She has an assuring smile on her rose-coloured lips. She seems nice, a little different than the other doctors he's met so far.

But what does he really know when it comes down to it? Does it matter in the grand scheme of things? Phil's haggard and fatigued. It's a bone-deep tiredness, a constant burning behind his eyes as if he only needs to sleep just a little more. 

Of course, Phil hopes that this doctor isn't just some insignificant detail swishing past him in the journey that is his life. Because he's not alone anymore. This doctor needs to leave an imprint, make a difference as Phil is walking on all fours trying to win back every fragment left of his son. 

The only thing that matters now in Phil's world is him. Charlie is his only security, his safety. So what if he's clinging onto his son for dear life? He's only doing it for his own son’s well being, to save what's left of their broken family.

"Nice to meet you," Phil mumbles. Jane blinks tilting her head barely to the side. Her eyes flit over Phil's face as if she's scrutinizing it for clues. The woman then squares her shoulders, looking taller and further imposing. 

"The same," her eyes have left Phil and her body is turned towards Charlie. They both watch his son for a moment.

"When did this start? I'm guessing it was something that set it off?" Phil swallows and nods. He bites down on his bottom lip his brain is flipping through the events like it's a movie, like it never actually happened. Over his face covered in blood, his emerald eyes looking dull as if a cloud had overcast those meadows.

Phil shakes his head, eyes burning. The room before him is swaying softly it's as though it's whispering for him to fall asleep to a faraway lullaby.

The doctor takes a step forward, hovering her hand over Phil's shoulder. Phil flinches away before she can touch him, hiding his face in one of his hands. The woman retracts her hand, giving him a concerned half-smile. 

Kind eyes watch him as Phil says: "It's just a lot," he clears his throat, "to unpack, which," he laughs hollowly, "it shouldn't be, really, because I wasn't even present. 

I wasn't even there to witness it. 

I don't have the right to..." Phil shakes his head.

"Be sad?" Jane finishes. Phil is unable to answer, his throat is closing up. 

"It's alright, you don't need to tell me everything at once," Jane comforts. Phil just nods as if the waves inside of him weren't crashing together in conflict about what to do... what to say.

"Charlie," Phil manages to get out and Jane nods reassuringly alike those first rays at the beginning of a new day. Warm like the glowing sun. A glint of hope in the previous night filled with mere darkness.

"I might not be able to give him a proper diagnosis before I've heard what's really happened and I don't think you're ready to talk to me about it... yet." Jane searches for his eyes whilst she speaks, holding the importance of contact high.

Phil nods distantly, his nails digging into the palms of his hands. "So what I'm suggesting is that you two go on a vacation."

"A what?" Phil shakes his head. His mind still feels somewhat fuzzy and his ears feel as if he's stuffed cotton in them.

"You know, a holiday, I think the two of you need to get away from this place for a while, so you can finally breathe a little. Even parents need some resting."

"But where?" Phil's eyes wander over the room. He tries to imagine a place Charlie and he could run away to for some time. A safe space to take cover. A place to breathe, to get out and away from the suffocating feeling that lays thick in the air inside of their home.

"I know a place. It's lovely there, they've long beaches with smooth, warm sand and the food is to die for. I've been there a few times now, I'm probably going again. If you want to check it out online I think I actually might have a spare brochure somewhere around here from last time I flew there."

The doctor rummages around her desk. Under a bunch of papers and a sticky note, she seems to find something, as her face lights up somewhat. "Oh, here it is!"

"Um thank you..." Phil glances over at the nametag pinned to the doctor's chest. "Jane, I, um, might check that out." He grips the brochure the doctor is holding out and nods wearily. 

The woman nods curtly. "It's not a necessity, I'm not forcing a vacation on you, it's just a little advice that might help.” 

Phil nods his head politely, brushing over the polished exterior of the brochure before tucking it messily into the pocket of his jacket.

"Is he often like that?" Jane nods towards Charlie. Phil looks up from fiddling with the zipper, freezing in motion as he stares out into nothingness. He's delving into his brain, deep-diving into the murkiest bits he can reach in the broad of daylight, voluntarily. Is he often like that?

Like that.

Well no he wasn't...

He's not the same anymore.

And come to think of it, it's all Phils fucking fault.

All his, if Phil had just... fuck.

And like that the oxygen in his tank disappears, he needs air swiftly. The water is to close it sticks to his diving suit, permeates way too close for comfort. 

Phil takes an audible deep breath. It's shockingly deafening in the quiet room. And if the woman beside him notices or if it's just loud in Phil's brain he'll never find out because she doesn't say anything. 

She remains like a cliff in tremendous water, lets the waves lick up her sides. She looks untouched but under the surface, she's smooth and soft, polished by the harsh waters. She's stoic. 

Well... Phil assumes so. 

Phil has this idea that the people helping other humans might be some of the most broken ones, they want to help others because they know how the pain and suffering feels. 

It might not be true at all. Hell, it's only an idea that's nestled in Phil's mind as of recent, but it has kind of stuck. In one way it's a little beautiful thinking about it, but it's a raw kind of beauty. It nestles under your ribcage and squeezes around your heart painfully.

Jane speaks up, her voice sounds small and sad, "...you know distant?" Phil bites his lip harshly, blinking a little to hold back any tears threatening to fall. He looks over at Charlie, his little face is scrunched up in a smile he's laughing as he toys with the corgi and a princess plushie. He's completely oblivious of the tense atmosphere in the room. A thin smile rises on his face.

Jane looks down, on her face a passionate expression flashes and blossoms up in beautiful colours like a secret garden taking form. But just as suddenly as it was revealed, it's gone. 

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked this early, you two should go on a holiday and try to relax and have fun. Then you come back to me and you might be ready to talk, how does that sound?" She gives Phil a small kind smile.

He's only realising now that he's hunched up his shoulders and he takes a deep breath and relaxes his shoulders as good as he can. "Thank you, we'll be back."

Phil looks over at his son, "Charlie we need to go now, come on." 

His son doesn't look up, staring stubbornly at the toys lined up before him.

"Charlie," Phil says tiredly adding a bit of edge to his voice to make him listen. He's sensing a tantrum.

Charlie shakes his head, glowering at the ground. "Daddy, you have to let me play with them, if I don't it will take him away from me!" he points at the little corgi plush in his arms, pressed up against his chest, "It'll take him away!" Charlie exclaims.

Phil takes a step forward gingerly. "What will take him, Charlie?" The kid radiates alarm but then it's as he gets frustrated when he can't formulate what he means.

Charlie shakes his little head angrily, "I want to stay, you can't make me move!" The room seems to close in on Phil. The noises all around become blurred so that all he apprehends and regards before him is his son. 

But Phil can't express his own dread openly otherwise Charlie will realise something is awry. It will only make things worse. He has to take a deep breath and handle this like an adult.

Phil sighs. He can hear how wavering his voice sounds. It's blatantly obvious how arduous he's finding it keeping it together. "Charlie we need to go, nobody is going to steal Striker, I promise," He can definitely hear the distress in his own voice but Charlie doesn't seem to notice. 

"His name isn't Striker anymore!" he quarrels, looking up at Phil with his beady looking eyes. At this moment Phil wonders what Charlie is thinking. 

He wishes he could just look into his head and understand. Understand all the little details he's unable to pick up because right now he feels like an abortive parent, a parent who can't figure out himself even less his own son.

"Why not?" He asks Charlie carefully. Phil bites his lip watching him clutch the tiny corgi in his little hands.

"It's a dumb name, and you're dumb if you don't let me stay dad, I'll disown you!" Phil apprehends it shouldn't hurt hearing that. But it seizes his heart, makes him remember Charlie asking him to name it. How thrilled he'd been when Phil with overly dramatic seriousness had given the plushie its name. Now it feels like that moment has been ripped away from him too.

But he tries to focus on something else to make his heart forget. He smiles a little, a faint one but it is a smile. "You'll disown me?" Charlie nods excessively, pleased with himself. Phil laughs although it kind of sounds hollow.

The doctor steps forward and hunches down so she's in level with the kid. Then she holds up a small item in her hand by the stick. "Charlie, would you want a lollipop?" The doctor gazes up at Phil and Phil gives her a tiny smile nodding faintly. She continues talking smiling towards Charlie. "I have a spare one for well-behaved kids, and you know what, you can have it if you follow your dad home." The little boy peers biliously up at the doctor. 

Subsequent he stares at the lollipop seemingly thinking through his options, he glances over at the toys. Then he seems to make up his mind taking the lollipop from Jane’s hand and walking up to the door where he stops to turn his head to blow a raspberry Phil's way. "Are you coming or not?" he asks.

And sure when Charlie throws a tantrum he's very present and it does make Phil a little calmer knowing that all contact isn't lost. But he still wants his son to be who he was. Phil looks up meeting the doctor's eyes, and she gives him a reassuring nod.


	2. Chapter 2

Phil is standing with Charlie in the queue. After a morning filled with stress and Charlie stumbling and falling up the stairs to the airport, leading him to cry immensely on the floor, refusing to move from off the ground for what felt like half an hour, Phil had finally managed to carry him to a pharmacy to buy some plasters.

The queue is long and Phil's legs feel weak; he looks down at Charlie. He looks exhausted too, with a sour expression on his face. And Phil just can't focus on it, he can't make himself care. 

His mind is filled with a white noise he can only recall from uni after pulling an all-nighter before a day packed with classes. It's kinda scary to be so headlessly thrown back into that time and remember when it was just him. When he thought that was difficult. 

Oh, what he'd give to be back there and have a second to breathe, if only for a moment. It doesn't have to be much, just so he could close his eyes and have it be completely quiet from all other worries except studies. Hell, for once in his life he'd welcome those thoughts. To be able to think of anything other than... that.

But there's that nagging voice in his head reminding him, scolding him for being so selfish. For wanting to escape. It's not that he doesn't love Charlie. He's the most important person in Phil's life. 

It's just sometimes he feels so alone and fragile, carrying all of this weight on his shoulders. Sometimes it feels like his next step is going to be his last, that he'll just break apart, that his bones will crack and give away and Charlie will stand there all on his own. 

That is Phil's worst nightmare. One of the reasons he's got a dash of violet warpaint tinting the skin under his fierce blue eyes day after day.

He drags his hand over his face tiredly before leaning his head against it.

After paying they move to a bench to patch Charlie up. "Daddy my knee still hurts!" he exclaims as Phil is peeling off the protective plastic of the plaster. Phil stops in his movement and looks up, studying his son. His brown eyes are staring straight ahead and he's got a pout on his lips. Phil ruffles his hair with his free hand.

"I know it does sweetie, it'll get better, I promise you that, okay?" Charlie stares into the distance. Phil sticks the plaster to the scrape and smoothes it out with his thumb carefully. 

There's a moment of silence before Charlie replies, mumbling "...okay."

-

Charlies eyes are glued to the iPad before him. It's some silly cartoon Phil's never seen. In the last couple of days, Charlie has been extra hard to handle and Phil's more than exhausted. If he thought it was bad before, he's now particularly living on what is probably less than three hours of sleep. The doctor was right, he hadn't realised how much he actually needed this vacation.

Phil glances up at the sound of a couple of new travelers entering the plane. His eyes catch on a long man with a stylish black suit jacket, he’s rolling a small suitcase over the carpeted aisle. His hair is curly, and he walks in with a relaxed aura about him. For a second their gazes catch and the man smiles at him. It’s a surprisingly sweet smile that at first glance doesn't seem to fit the man. Phil looks down hastily, continuing reading, feeling embarrassed for staring.

The lines in the book resting in his hands are wavering slightly and he can't really depict any meaning from them. About halfway through the sentence he's attempted to read seven times, he gives up and puts down the book on the tray table.

The plane has began shooting them up into the air and Phil swallows nervously. He feels jittery to his stomach. He doesn’t like not being in control of the situation. It makes him panic inwardly.

When they’re finally up in the air and can de-buckle Phil draws a well deserved sigh of relief. He closes his eyes leaning back in the chair.

He can't believe he's actually on a holiday. He feels like crying tears of joy. Not because the trip was cheap or anything, no, his wallet is probably crying out "my last blood drop!" in agony. But it was totally worth getting away from this town, to be able to scrub off the metaphorical blood from under his fingernails for just a second, to cleanse his mind from unwelcome thoughts.

He looks out through the window on his left side. Fascinatingly enough the clouds have formed a cotton-candy-looking ceiling in the sky. He looks over at Charlie smiling with a new awakened childish-like joy. "Charlie, look outside!" 

Charlie looks up at him and sighs taking off his headphones. He looks out the window, his eyes reflecting the blue and white sky. Phil lets a light smile spread upon his lips. "Did you know that clouds taste like cotton candy?" he asks out into the open. Charlie looks back at his dad for a moment, his brown eyes watching him then he shakes his head decidedly.

"No they don't dad, you're just bluffing, I'm not stupid," he huffs, puffing up his cheeks and crossing his arms over his chest vexedly. Trying to keep the tone of the conversation positive Phil continues on with the joke, as he did before when it came as easily as squeezing Charlie's little hand in his.

"Oh, but that's what they want you to think, but I've tasted the clouds and..." Phil jokes and pretends to take a bite out of the air "mm... they taste a-mazing!" He's always prided himself on how good of a humour his son had but now Charlie seems to find no joy in keeping up a joke. It as he's lost his ability to have fun, to socialize with anyone.

"I don't believe you... Have you actually tasted them?" Charlie looks up at Phil, looking sceptical.

But maybe, just maybe, Phil can distract him from returning to his distant self. If he just acts as if everything is normal, maybe everything will be alright? 

Phil nods, trying to hold back a stupid grin from spreading over his face. Because he has to admit to himself joking with Charlie is one of the funniest things to do.

Just then the sound of wheels near and the next second a carriage is being rolled up. A plump flight-attendant with curly, black hair smiles down at them. "Hi, sir would you like anything?" She crouches down before Charlie, gripping the steel handle of the trolley cart with one manicured hand "Maybe you want something, little guy?" She's got a brilliant smile, showcasing the whites of her teeth.

"I want candy!" Charlie exclaims, crossing his arms.

"I'm sorry to say we, unfortunately, don't have that sir," she says smiling down at him carefully.

"But I want candy!" Charlie juts out his bottom lip staring up at her displeased. When she stands there perplexed just smiling nervously Charlie turns his head looking up at Phil.

"Daddy, I want candy. Why won't she give me candy?" He scrunches up his face sourly. Phil breathes in slowly feeling himself losing his patience. It's been a long day, way too long. Most of all, Phil just wants to crawl into his bed at home and forget he ever spontaneously bought tickets. But in the long run, it's not like that be any better. 

"Charlie," Phil says with an admonitory tone, but Charlie won't let himself be deterred. 

He glares back at his dad."I require candy to survive, daddy!"

Phil snorts. "You do not Charlie."

That only manages to make Charlie even more pissed off. "You're evil dad, and really, really dumb!"

"Charlie cut it out, I don't want to have this discussion with you right now, she doesn't have any candy and I can't just magically conjure forth some out of thin air." He turns to the flight attendant. "I'm so sorry for my son, we will not have anything, I'm so sorry for the nuisance." She nods quickly, looking relieved as she scurries away with her trolley.

All of a sudden, a man in the seat in front of him turns around to face him. It’s the man from before, that Phil had the awkward staring thing with. Phil wants to sink through the floor in embarrassment. 

"Hi, um I'm Dan,” he says. “I heard that you're having a little hassle, would you want some help? I'm a child psychiatrist - so I work a lot with children. I could look after him if you want, you look exhausted man.” 

"Oh no, it's fine, really," Phil gives him a valiant smile, nodding his head appreciatively.

"You're a poopy head dad!" Charlie bawls, panging his little fists against Phil's chest. Phil closes his eyes, breathing in slowly.

"Are you sure?" The other man asks delicately. It reminds him of when waking up in the morning and speaking to yourself, almost whispering into the morning air because you're afraid to be alone yet even more terrified that someone is gonna answer. 

It almost feels as if this stranger has met him in the kitchen, that they bumped backs only to turn around and find that they're not entirely alone after all. 

The question he asks feels fragile hanging in the air there. And Phil wonders if he can reach out and grasp it. If he's brave enough to receive help. 

The other man frowns, lines forming on his forehead like dark clouds emerging on a bright sky.

"On second thought, maybe a little help could be good actually," Phil confesses. It's almost a relief letting go a little of that wall for a second to be able to breathe.

Phil's so exhausted, he's letting a stranger look after his kid. If he'd heard that a few months ago he'd gasped with a scandalous expression on his face. Now he can't actually make himself care, he's fatigued and he's trusting Dan's words when he says he's a child psychiatrist.

"Hi what's your name little dude?" The psychiatrist asks gently. He grins towards him, exuding confidence. Charlie is quietly playing with the corgi in his hands, but he's looking at the man. Maybe there's something that caught his interest, Phil thinks. He's not too sure, all he knows is that Charlie never cares too much for talking with strangers anymore, well, not even his family.

Charlie frowns, jutting out his chin. But Dan doesn't react other than smiling encouragingly towards him. 

"It's Charlie, if you must know," he mutters. He still hasn't broken eye contact with Dan, he's looking into his eyes with a mixture of fury and scorn. But Phil is so shocked that he can barely react. When he finally comes to his senses he frowns, admonishing his son.

"Charlie, manners!" Phil scolds. But despite that there's a tiny pull of muscles in the corner of his mouth, he can't really make the tone of his voice all that harsh anymore. Not when Charlie is talking to a complete stranger. A feeling of hope rushes through Phil's veins, like the first sips of coffee at the early rays of dawn. 

Phil closes his eyes, breathing out through his narrowly open mouth, letting his head fall back against the cushion of the seat. He can already feel himself slipping. Sleep has never felt this alluring. 

"Hi, Char-man. What've you got there? What's their name?" Dan asks, but it sounds kind of far away already. Still, Phil tries to keep his eyes open. He succeeds long enough to get a glimpse of the two before him.

Charlie stares at him for a long while but slowly to Phil's astonishment a small shy smile splay out on his features "Dino, but before her name was Striker."

Phil closes his eyes then only managing to listen as the conversation goes on.

"Oh, that's a cool name!" Dan grins, showcasing the dents of two dimples carved into smooth skin. 

"Yeah, it's way cooler than Striker," Charlie boasts, looking pleased with himself. Dan seems to think about it looking out of the window for a second and Charlie follows his gaze.

"Mm, I think striker is cool too," Dan says finally after a while of flamboyantly thinking it through. Charlie tuts at that and Dan tilts his head to the side scrunching up his face in a smirk.

"You think?" Charlie frowns deeply, drawing up valleys in his forehead forming a sophisticated little painting not seemingly fitting very well on such a boyish face. 

"Yep," Nonetheless, Dan laughs quietly and absurdly enough Charlie seems to enjoy the small talk they're making.

"Then you're just as lame as dad," he declares with a content tone petting the dog plushie warily.

"Aw well, at least we're two who like the name Striker," Dan notes and Charlies eyes widen with a prospect of accommodating his newfound friend. The little boy shakes his head knowingly.

"No, you're three!" 

At those words, Phil is brutally brought back from the depths of the soundless darkness of sleep. Charlie’s wrong. They aren't three anymore, and the sooner Phil stops such thoughts of Charlie’s the better.

"Charlie. Stop." he mutters, it sounds so harsh and bitter that the atmosphere turns cold. It suddenly feels like they've all taken a first step out on the porch mid-winter in just pyjamas and socks to get the post and the prospect of warmth left behind inside the house is illicit as the door unremorsefully shut close behind them. 

The conversation comes to a stop and Charlie looks up carefully, there's something swirling in his irises. Is it fear?

"What?" Charlie chokes out. Phil shallows, he hadn't meant to- that wasn't what he'd wanted. He just didn't want Charlie to talk about him.

Instantly Dan seems to pick up on what's going on, not that he knows what's really going down, but he senses the underlying ponderosity of the situation. He turns to Charlie, tilting his head to the side.

"Charlie, why don't you tell me what Dino's favourite food is? 

He looks uncertain at first but then he mumbles, "Candy." Phil buries his face in his hands, his face scrunching up stupidly. Softly, he exhales. No matter what he does he always seems to manage to fuck up.

"Yeah that's good, something else Dino might like?” Dan encourages, resting his head on his arms. The man's got kind eyes, he blinks slowly listening closely to what Charlie has to say. And it's like Charlie lets go a little, maybe he's finding some sort of comfort in talking to Dan because he's babbling and maybe it's useless child's talk. But to Phil that doesn't matter because he saw the hint of a smile on Charlie's lips.

Phil closes his eyes, falling asleep with a mirthless smile etched on his face.

"Ice cream, lots of it! But it has to be chocolate ice cream with a cherry on top because that's her favourite and she's a really fine lady!" He nods towards Dan gravely.

"Is that so?" Dan smiles warmly.

-

Phil sits down with his full weight heavily. Despite having been able to sleep a little on the plane (thanks to Dan) he's still oddly... physiologically exhausted. He'd thought that maybe that was due to the lack of good sleep ever since the accident but now it seems that it most certainly isn't the case. (Not that tiny naps are the strongest lead for proving the point.)

Great, just another problem to add to the growing pile.

He moves over to the suitcase and unzips it with steady calm hands. The last thing he needs is making himself fall into a panic by stressing packing up. It's not urgent in any way, just... it'd be nice to have it done.

When he first opens it, his eyes fall on his plaid shirt from university. He smooths over it with a gentle hand. It's for a potential cold evening, he told himself when he packed it. But now that he's reunited with it only hours later, he thinks the underlying cause is just the hardship he faces letting go of things. Things or... people.

He places it neatly on the bed beside the case, working up a steady pattern until he spots something pink poking out from under one of Charlie’s shirts. He frowns reaching for it and pulling the material out into the open.

When he sees what it is he almost drops it. This wasn't supposed to be here, to slip into the suitcase unnoticed. 

It's Charlie’s first Christmas jumper. Alex's grandma knitted one for him when he was two. Although Phil might've perhaps suspected that she was in a delirious period at the time because she kept referring to Charlie as a girl, and due to her being very traditional he peradventure assumed that's why the jumper was pink. 

Not that it mattered of course! Charlie didn't care the slightest and neither did Phil. Secretly, Phil was emotionally soft throughout the whole evening watching Charlie waltz around in the oversized jumper. It might've been the cutest thing he'd ever seen.

Phil swallows down an all too raw and heartbreaking smile threatening to breach his features. He freezes in the middle of the motion of settling back the jumper, looking over at Charlie, distracted in his overactive mind. 

The evening sun is filtering through the drapes in the room, soaking in over the big blue carpet. Small particles swirl around in the beam of light. 

Charlie looks unbothered by all that running around the room with... Dino? Phil shakes his head.

"Charlie, could you please stop running around the room for just one minute and help daddy unpack?" Phil says his voice lacking any sort of strength.

He doesn't get the slightest reaction out of the kid, no flare of obstinacy burning like the sun in those eyes, not even the tiniest flinch. 

And Phil... he should've expected it really. Yet he can't help but stop a frown intertwining his features firmly brushing away the softness out of his face.

But then something grows within him, like a shock of energy, this ball of defiance, to not give in to his own sorrow. He shakes his head biting down on his lip then he wipes away the frown thoughtfully. 

He paints on a mischievous smile playing as easily on his face, a pane of glass ready to be crushed into a million pieces. He runs after the small child, scoping him up in his long, muscular (okay maybe not muscular... Phil exaggerated a little) dad arms. Charlie laughs a delightful childish laugh that tinkles through the room in the most charming way as Phil hugs him to his chest.

Phil laughs a teensy-weensy bit too, kissing the boy’s temple when he tries to escape. Then he hugs him a little closer resting his head on the boy's pileum, whispering, as if to himself, "You'll be fine, daddy promises."


	3. Chapter 3

Charlie's holding the Corgi in one hand and Phil’s hand in the other. It's warm outside and the heat is sweltering on the bare, pale skin of his thighs. Both of them are wearing shorts with t-shirts. 

A swim in the ocean doesn't even feel necessary, he's already kind of drowning in his own sweat. 

They're on a tour that was included in the trip price. The tour guide, a long, buff looking lady with orange, curly hair and freckled skin wipes her forehead and smiles. She's a ball of fire with bright eyes. When she starts speaking Phil's surprised to hear that her voice is quite low and gruff. 

"Hi and welcome everybody, did you have a nice flight here? I hope so because now you need to be awake and alert so you don't miss all of this important history and culture. You know, as I was growing up history was my favourite subject," she coughs discreetly, "no surprise there, but I'm really excited to get to show you what I love and the importance of history..."

Despite her vigorous energy Phil finds that her voice has faded into the background. He looks down at his son who's sitting by his legs, playing with the plushie. Phil can't fathom how he manages to endure the heat like that, Phil can feel the warmth radiating from the cobbled ground through his sandals.

"Char?" Phil mumbles but the boy just toys with Not-Striker. At this point, Phil's not even sure if he ignores Phil on purpose or if he's simply up there in the deafening silence and darkness of space together with his thoughts and feelings that are far, far away from Phil's reach.

When Phil looks out into the distance he can see the view of the mountains in the horizon.

-

The tour group has just stopped to look at an old building, but Charlie and Phil stay behind a bit, separated from the others by a few meters.

In the crowd Phil recognises him. His curly hair is pasted to his forehead and he wears a black pair of sunglasses. It's the guy from the plane, Dan. Suddenly, Dan seems to spot them and waves their way. A smile spreads on Phil's face before waves back. He looks down at Charlie. "Dan's here, do you remember him from the plane?"

Charlie nods, gazing up at him. Phil kneels down before his boy and looks him in the eyes, grinning. A tiny smile appears on Charlie's face. 

He seems more at ease today, at breakfast he sat quietly eating the scrambled egg whilst absorbing the environment with wide eyes amidst a hesitant curiosity.

Phil points at the structure the group ahead of them has stopped by and states. "Have you seen that building over there, the tour guide says its dating back to the sixteenth century. That's like, really old!" It’s an old building torn by weather and wind but still somehow standing left in its beaten down glory.

"Older than you dad?" Charlie grins, peering up at his dad. The sun is filtering through the locks on his forehead. His eyes look like mahogany when touched by the rays of the sun.

Phil pretends to be offended and snorts, "I'm not that old Charlie, do I look wrinkly yet?"

"Yeah you've got forehead wrinkles, you're definitely related to the dinosaurs," Charlie giggles.

"I'm okay with that, they're pretty cool, especially the flying ones." Phil stands up and flaps his imaginary wings and croaks. Charlie guffaws at that and a few of the tourists in the group ahead give them strange looks. Phil doesn't care that much to be honest. 

He probably would have when he was a teen, his eyes big and blue with fear of crowds, of people judging his every move. He's still a bit socially anxious mind you, it's just that he doesn't care for them as long as he can make Charlie laugh.

But after a while, when his laughter has died down, Charlie abruptly waves for Phil to duck down, looking stealthily around them with narrowed eyes, he then whispers:

"Do you think there are dinosaurs hidden amongst us still dad?” The corner of Phil's mouth pulls up into an irresistible half-smile, he snorts softly out of his nose.

"I don't know Charlie. Have you seen one?" Charlie scrunches up his nose, shaking his head.

"No, but I've heard they're like, really big?" he says extending his arms in each direction the furthest he can get. Phil can’t help but think he looks more like he’s trying to imitate a ruler.

"Do you think they'd be able to hide between skyscrapers?" Phil asks concealing a growing smile behind his hand. The inky strands of his hair blows into his azure eyes with a mild gust. Along the old well preserved streets of the city it whisks with it sand, dancing in the flurry.

"Probably," Charlie whispers, looking over his shoulders, being well aware of his surroundings. His brown eyes are narrows in suspicion.

"Maybe if we follow the tour guide to the last sight we might be able to dodge the dinosaurs by buying some ice cream, now what do you say about that bud?"

"Deal." Charlie says with a pleased yet defiant look on his face.

-

They find themselves sat on one of the benches by an ice cream carriage. He watches Charlie silently as he takes scopes out of the chocolate ice cream. He'd begged Phil to buy him the one with a cherry on top and Phil hadn't had the heart to say no even though it was pretty expensive. If things weren't as they are Phil probably would've joked with Charlie about how extra he is. Charlie probably would've laughed and denied it in a refractory way.

Charlie's unruly hair dances wildly in the wind, like Phil's internal struggle, which tugs him in all directions at the same time. 

But right now he attempts to keep his thoughts out of this situation. He looks over at his beautiful son and he’s filled with a fatherly love. He tells himself that when his thoughts get the best of him should endeavour to remember what’s important and how much he matters to Phil. No matter how hard it is going against his own mind. It twists his feelings until he’s unsure what's really true.

Phil pulls up his phone, bringing up the camera snapping a picture of Charlie's ice cream frenzy. He couldn’t resist it, Charlie had looked so cute. When he shows it to him Charlie pouts saying “you never told me I should’ve said cheese!” Phil smiles ruffling the little boys hair fondly “that’s only because cheese is banned in this family!”

It’s a running joke because they both know Phil hates cheese. Yet Charlie loves teasing him about it. Saying Phil is just being silly (he’s not, cheese is disgusting).

“Dad you can’t just ban things randomly” Charlie says through scopes of ice cream. Okay so now he’s pretending to not know. Phil smiles fondly.

“Sure I can, cheese is my arch nemesis, the tokyo to my godzilla!” Phil says shaking his hands dramatically. Charlie shakes his head at that but he smiles a chocolaty-smile Phil’s way.

Being on holiday has helped a little with loosening up but Phil can still feel how tense his muscles are. Running on the little sleep that he's been on until just yesterday has made him realise how different it is actually being able to sleep decently. 

During all of this time, it's felt as if reality wasn't real, like this wasn't his dimension. Everything was too bright, conversations he forced himself to take part in too loud. It was as if someone had twisted his reality awry. Everything became different, Phil's safe little bubble had burst open to reveal a whole world. Suddenly people who didn't even know them had a say in what they should do or opinions of Phil's son and his parenting.

But Phil supposes it's better now than it was at least. Before it felt like every breath he took stopped time itself, was rasping its way down only to force him to take another. Like his eyes wouldn't stop stinging and the tears wouldn't stop falling. And Charlie didn't understand, how could he? One second it feels as if it never happened, the other it feels like the accident happens over and over on loop and Phil can do nothing but watch. Like he did, like he still does.

He shouldn't think about this now, he should forget it. Phil's having a great time on vacation with Charlie, they've been on a nice tour around the city under a sizzling hot sun and now they're enjoying some ice cream.

Only Phil hasn't actually eaten anything of it yet. The rainbow ice cream is half-melted in the bowl. He leans his head against the palm of his hand, sighing. He’s overthinking everything again. He’s kinda always been an over thinker but looking back he doesn’t think it has ever been this bad.

"Daddy..." Charlie says tentatively, his voice laced with fear. Phil immediately perks up, looking at his son with wide eyes. 

Charlie points ahead of them. "He wants to steal my toy! Tell him he's not allowed!" Phil furrows his brows, his expression concerned.

Carefully he asks, "Who wants to steal your toy Char?" Phil can feel anxiety flood his veins like an ice cold river twisting it’s way into his chest. It feels a bit like drowning in himself. To be consumed by his own worries.

There's no one standing where Charlie pointed, not a single soul. A feeling of emptiness is filling Phil's stomach. He feels hollow, drained of all colour; only worry is left. But he can't think like this, feel like this, it only makes things worse. No, Charlie will be fine. Phil is gonna make sure of it whatever it takes.

Charlie shakes his head looking at Phil with and fearful expression. "He wants to take Dino!" Phil frowns, grabbing ahold of Charlie's shoulders looking him in the eyes.

"He's not allowed, daddy won't let him take Dino, okay?" Phil's voice is firm and fixed from him forcing his voice not to tremble. Charlies eyes are big and scared but he nods, trusting Phil. 

"Okay." 

Phil exhales at the word of his son. Charlie is going to be okay.


	4. Chapter 4

The air is paper-thin up above and laced with titanic white clouds. 

Waking up today was... easier. Phil had opened his eyes to a warm light lapping over the floor up to his bed. He had reached his hand out to feel its glow on his skin. And as he sat up and hugged his knees to his chest, he felt something within. Something warm and bubbling.

Charlie had been hard to wake up, all grouchy the second he opened up his eyes. Despite that, something was a tad different in Phil's mind. It felt as if it was a bit clearer, as if the tender sun had managed to sweep away some of the dark clouds.

Their tourist group had stopped halfway up in the big staircase on a landing. The tour guide talked about the famous mountain and its history, or her history, rather... apparently, the mountain has a gender? Phil couldn't help but laugh a little at the need to genderize a rock. 

Charlie didn't pay much attention, feeding the corgi plushie a small stone he'd found on the ground.

Eventually, they trekk up the final set of stairs. Phil is panting heavily and Charlie is already up, waiting on Phil to catch up. "Come on Dad, you're so slow," he complains. 

"Patience my child," Phil says in his pretend-severe voice.

"You sound like grandpa," Charlie says impishly. Standing impatiently with his arms crossed over his chest.

"I'm pretty sure you're kidding me now." He raises an eyebrow.

"I would never," Charlie says gravelly. At that Phil shakes his head with a smile playing on his lips.

-

Phil is standing, looking out on the mountain ahead. It's far bigger than he'd imagined. All grey and dark with all its intricate angels. In one way he's like the mountain was when it rose, pushing himself up out of the ground to reach greater heights. To become something new. It's difficult... he knew it'd be but sometimes it's overwhelming just how arduous it can be.

At least the sky up there is blue and clear, the sun warm on his skin.

Though he knows that when the rain falls, if the thunder rumbles the mountain is the first one to taste it, the one who has to tolerate it the longest when the heaven falls into chaos and the skies open up.

Suddenly a voice is heard beside Phil. "She's rather voluptuous don't you think?" Phil flinches, caught by surprise as he turns his head in the direction of the voice. Dan's smiling mischievously as he nods towards the mountain, arms crossed over his chest, and for half a second Phil doesn't recognise him.

"Dan?" He questions, the corners of his mouth irresistibly pulling into an adorable smile.

"Hi Phil, fancy seeing you here." Dan smiles kindly, tilting his head to the side. The curls on his head soar gently as he moves. Phil's heart beats in surprise.

"Oh, and Charlie of course," he adds hurriedly. Phil laughs, shaking his head. Dan seems happy to see him and Phil's not sure why but it's kind of nice having someone to talk to.

"Please don't say that though," Phil says, remembering what Dan had said earlier. It's kind of embarrassing to think how much he blushed when Dan said that. He should make a joke about how he's too gay for this but to his defence, he was just so surprised to hear that sentence come out of Dan's mouth that his mind blanked for a second. 

"What? That she's voluptuous?" Dan grins, his eyes twinkling mischievously. Of course, he says it again. Dan's just as prankish as Charlie. It's like double the trouble. Why does that make him smile a little internally?

"Yes!" Phil exclaims horrified, although the corner of his mouth is twitching. It sounds funny coming out of Dan's mouth he admits and a little naughty as if they're really just teenage boys again.

"Oh silly me," Dan grins although a hint of rose has risen on his cheeks.

Dan must think he's prudish now, Phil's not... he's just very gay. And Dan, he's probably very straight and really into voluptuous women. Not that Phil cares about that.

"There are kids here!" Phil whispers agitated, stiffly nodding discreetly behind himself where Charlies sitting.

"That there is, one Charlie lad as far as I can tell but I think he's pretty occupied with that plushie, huh?" Dan smiles, it's a totally different smile than the last ones, this one's careful and delicate like the therapeutic stillness of the night. Phil is somehow comforted by it.

"Hah I suppose, he carries it everywhere," Phil laughs, relieved with the new topic of conversation.

"It's cute. It's a Corgi, isn't it?” Dan's expression softens.

"Not just a Corgi, only the best dog breed there is, I mean have you looked at its little majestic butt and fabulous ears?”

"I would agree with you, if it weren’t for the fact that shibas already take up the whole of my heart," Dan exclaims dramatically, clutching his heart, then he laughs heartily.

They fall into a comfortable silence, looking out into the distance. Phil wonders what Dan is thinking about, if he's thought just as much as Phil about the potential of a friendship floating around between them. It's sort of weird wanting to be friends with someone so quickly but Dan's... good. 

Plus, he likes hanging out with Charlie and he doesn't ask questions about him and their business. He just exists in his calm, friendly way.

"I mean, I gotta admit the view is outstanding," Dan breathes. His expression is soft, eyes filled with contemplation.

"Isn't shi-b beautiful?" Dan turns to glare at Phil, making him laugh.

"That was the worst pun I've ever heard, what was that, even?" he exclaims, gesticulating with his hands.

"Clearly the best pun you've ever heard in your li-fe!" Phil singsongs looking pleased with himself as he drags out life with a high-pitched tone. Dan rolls his eyes alike how a spoon whirls in a cup of coffee. 

When Dan turns around then, Phil's fully expecting him to go and that Phil took a step to far into lands he's no right in being in. Dan doesn't want to be friends with Phil. Why would he? That be like wanting to be friends with problem itself, absolutely ludicrous.

But Dan doesn't walk away, he just shakes his head, walking up to where Charlie's sat. "Hey, Char, have you seen the amazing view?" Dan wonders, smiling down at the little kid.

"No, ‘cause I'm not as huge as you," he says peering up with a mischievous grin on his lips.

"Very funny young man," Dan says dryly. For a second Phil feels a bit bad for Dan before it's evident that the man isn't upset by Charlie's words.

Charlie runs away from Dan as fast as he can giggling uncontrollably. Phil comes up to Dan patting him on the back, sniggering, "Valid attempt, I must say." Dan turns his head in Phil's direction scrunching up his face, mouth forming a simper.

"So what will you be doing after this tour, tonight?" Phil asks, suddenly anxious for what Dan will say. Maybe he's tired of Charlie and Phil but too sweet to actually outright say it?

"Oi Lester, are you asking me out?" Dan grins jabbing him with his elbow in a playful manner. Phil is so mortified he simply just splutters for a good moment, eyes widening in fear.

"No!" Phil exclaims horrified when he comes to his senses, his body goes stiff in embarrassment, his cheeks aflame. Phil isn’t in love with Dan, you can’t be in love with someone you just met. Besides Dan doesn’t want to be together with someone like Phil, he just knows that.

"Don't worry I was only joking," Dan chuckles smugly. He then casually buries his hands in the depths of his pockets shrugging "I was actually thinking of getting a snack and then go to bed." Great, he was only joking and now Phil looked like a fool. Now Dan must really think Phil is fancying him or something, which he doesn't... at all.

But he still wants to talk to someone, he knows this is supposed to be his and Charlie’s period for mending the rift that abruptly appeared in their life out of thin air. But sometimes it's frankly too hard for Phil to be alone with Charlie, it's as if reality comes crashing down on him. 

And Dan, he's someone Phil can talk to. A flickering light filtering down through the deep depths of the ocean. A lighthouse in the distance Phil can stretch his aching bones towards in hope of guidance, in hopes of catching the light in his cold hands for a second of enlightenment. 

Whatever Phil can find instead of the constant white noise in his head driving him insane is good enough. 

When Charlie isn't teasing he's quiet, mostly in his own headspace playing with that plushie. And Phil is there to sit and watch, ill to his stomach as he tries not to think about it. His problems will consume him instead of him consuming his food. And Phil knows it's stupid relying on a person he barely knows to say yes to an invite but he can't help it.

Phil can't have conversations with Charlie in the same way as he can with another adult, Charlie wouldn't understand. He will just end up unintentionally hurting the boy emotionally. 

"Oh, okay," Phil says quietly. "Well, I was going to ask you if you wanted to tag along Charlie and me to an outdoor dining, but you don't have to, of course," he says hurriedly. He feels bad immediately after asking the question, guilt building in his stomach like sand in an hourglass.

"Did you take pity on me because I look lonely? Dan asks raising an unimpressed eyebrow. Despite what he said, Dan has a calm, friendly aura about him. He's easy-going in a contagious way with a pleasant smile on his precious face.

Something bubbles up in Phil's stomach, a childish joy that's so unexpected that it surprises Phil positively. He tries to confront Dan's question in a playful way.

Phil rolls his eyes. "No, I took pity on you because you've got a lot of friends," he smirks.

"Your mum has a lot of friends" Dan contradicts, quirking an eyebrow accompanied by a smirk.

"Shut up." Phil laughs bashfully, waving his hand dismissively. Dan smiles at him and they lock eyes before Phil has to look away.

"...So will you come with?” Phil says awkwardly in a tacit tone. He really hopes Dan will. It’d be nice to talk to somebody.

"Well seeing as I have nothing better to do, I guess I'll come along." Dan shrugs.

"I'm sure Charlie will be glad to hear that," Phil says softly. Charlie really likes Dan, it makes Phil hopeful about the future.

"And you aren't?" Dan questions. He does it in a quiet way, leaving it hanging in the air waiting for Phil to grab it hungrily with cold fingers, like it’s the first beam of morning light, an invitation of sorts.

"You're speaking to me you nerd, of course I'm glad to hear that." They both laugh awkwardly at that. Grinning at each other boyishly.

-

"I grew up with a fascination for animals, I had countless of books extending from butterflies to giraffes. Nana used to buy me a new one now and then probably just to see my little face light up with joy." Dan smiles in remembrance.

"Aw that's precious," Phil replies, with his head resting against one of his hands. He puts down the glass gently against the table. The evening air is fresh on his tongue as he speaks, it feels much different being out later than usual.

"Mm, I'd like to think it was," Dan says distantly. He frowns, looking out into the void before him. The night is chilly and Dan has wrapped his jacket around himself. 

It's weird seeing this place in the evening. everything's so different. It's quiet on the streets besides the background hum from where they're sat. All the little houses are lit, making it look like they're surrounded by mystical golden squares if you squint. 

It makes Phil wonder if he remembered to switch off the lamp sat by the window in their kitchen at home. But he discerns that this is not the time to get anxious about things he's forgotten.

"How come?" Phil asks, his brows furrowing. Dan's eyes are glinting in the light from the small candle occupant on the wall. It's a stupid thought, but Dan's eyes are pretty and Phil can't help but perceive the distance caught up in Dan's eyes as hurt. Although he could be wrong, the steady thudding in his chest tells him he might be onto something. 

"Oh nothing, just... I'm being stupid," Dan mutters, downcasting his eyes. He rests his head in his hands, leaning his weight on the table. It's okay, the food hasn't come yet. Dan won't go because Phil steps too close to his personal business, he won't...

They're silent for a while and Phil gazes over at Charlie, he's put Dino aside for a second and he looks up at Phil, their eyes meeting. Phil smiles thinly; the corner of his mouth twitches, impeding to fall. 

Fall into the darkness. Like he does when no one sees. Where the sounds all around aren't so obnoxiously loud but rather dulled and the bright colours don't sting his eyes. 

And for a second it works, closing himself off. But evidently the thoughts come back louder than ever and he has to realise he can't deal with his problems this way. That it's self-destructing in the most bittersweet way.

He shakes his head internally, forcing a smile to flash upon his lips. "Hungry?" he asks carefully. Charlie nods timidly.

Phil turns his head towards Dan. Remembering something just now he wants to tell him.

"You know, my brother used to taunt me for remembering useless animal facts as a teenager." He grins gingerly.

"Brothers," Dan says knowingly but his eyes don't light sparks when the subject pops up, instead, they seem to darken once more, concealing the light from inspection.

"Yeah, you've got one?” Phil asks curiously albeit carefully, he bites his tongue in anticipation. Worrying that Dan won't want to talk about it.

"Yeah, unfortunately... we don't... we’re not really," Dan gestures vaguely. he bites back a lionhearted smile before it sees the light of day and inextricably flies the coop.

"Oh," Phil mumbles, his cheeks blossoming up in rich colours. He stepped on Dan's toes again. 

"Yeah, too different, I guess..." He shrugs. He doesn't look like he wants to talk about it but Phil lets him continue, guiltily adding the small details he can gather up to the enigma of Dan."If he was the golden child then I... uh, you know what. Let's talk about something else," he says cutting himself off abruptly. "How come you used to remember "stupid" animal facts?" he queries instead.

Phil hawks, "Still do actually." He throws up his hands in the air in defence, "which I know is lame." Phil would prefer if Dan still thinks he is cool by the end of this conversation, though he realises geeky animal facts might not help his case.

"As a fellow animal geek, I'd disagree but go on." 

"Oh no, you're way cooler than that, you're not a geek," Phil says sheepishly.

"Hang on a second, who said that an animal geek can't be cool?" Dan frowns, looking a tad upset actually. Phil instantly feels stupid for what he'd implied.

"Me," Charlie pipes up from over the table, grinning so that the whites of his teeth are showing.

"But Charlie, if you're not a fellow animal geek what will Dino say?"

Charlie pales for a second, his eyes widening in horror before his eyes light up anew, mouth opening to defend his case. "Dino says no comment, she's too famous for this shit."

"Charlie! No swearing." Phil says angrily, voice hushed. Charlie doesn't seem to care at all instead leaning back in his chair, smiling sweetly.

"I'm deeply sorry father," he says, before he sniggers.

"Anyway, back to where we started, you remembering animal facts willingly?" Dan says, a corner of his mouth drawn up into a half-grin.

"Uh yeah, I'd borrow the family computer googling numerous facts about animals. They fascinated me, even back when I went to uni. I think I thought my future would entail getting a dog one day and settle down- that didn't happen... um but I still google some facts now and then.”

"Are you two busy tomorrow?" Dan asks suddenly, raising his head from where it's rested on his knuckles, eyes bright. His hand dangles droopily where it's left.

"No, why?" Phil asks.

"Well, there's this sandcastle tournament that I'm going to participate in tomorrow and I thought I'd ask if that’s something you lot'd be interested in?" Dan smiles. 

"That's so cool dad!" Charlie says, his eyes widening. He sounds excited and he looks over at Phil with a pleading expression on his face.

"Oh, I don't know..." Phil replies.

"Come on Dad, don't be boring" he exhorts.

"Would it make you happy if we went?" Phil asks his eyes searching the boy's expression.

"Mm-hm!" he nods excessively, a toothy smile rising like the tidal waves that are heard lapping in the distance if you listened ever so closely.

"We'll be there," Phil promises, his eyes locking with Dan's in a smile.

"Awesome," Dan beams.

"You don't have to register or anything like that, it's an open competition and anyone can join in. The only thing is, you have to be there thirty minutes before it starts to get a number for your construction”.

"I think we'll manage that Charlie, won't we?" 

"No problem Dad, I'm the master-builder!"


	5. Chapter 5

The sky is blue with no trace of clouds and the sand is soft under their feet. Phil doesn't know how he really got dragged into all of this but Charlie seems excited, jumping up and down in the sand. 

Dan is sitting hunched beside them, listening carefully to the judge of the contest. Honestly, Phil should probably be listening too but he's breathing in the fresh scent of the ocean, feeling the wind blow through his hair with every breath it takes. The warmth from the sand is rising though his soles towards his chest making it feel like he's gonna take off like a balloon. He feels... good? Better than he's felt in a long while.

"Charlie, are you cheering on daddy?" Phil says smiling his son's way. The water is lapping in the distance and he burrows his hands in the sand when he goes to sit down.

For a moment Charlie seems to consider it before he plonks down on the warm sand, declaring "nope," shrugging his shoulders carelessly.

"What?" Phil exclaims looking up from the sand with a grin.

"Nah, I'm only cheering on cool people," Charlie smirks back. Phil's little imp, of course he'd say that.

"And how can I not be cool, I'm your dad, I'm amazing!" Phil says, putting his hand to his chest, squaring his shoulders.

"I'm cheering on Dan, he's way cooler than you," he points towards Dan who's started digging in the sand. Apparently, the competition has started, Phil must've been too distracted to notice.

"Wow, I didn't know the day I'd be dismissed by my own son would come so soon," he says dramatically clutching his heart, face flamboyantly scrunched up in pain. 

"Sorry dude, I still think you're cool," Dan says, looking up from his frenetic digging with a big smile.

"Thanks," Phil flopping backwards on the sand, his arms spread out as he falls.

"I mean, I'm not as cool as Charlie but one is more than none right?"

"That was an even worse pass up!" Phil exclaims sounding mildly upset. He looks up at the sky above awaiting an answer from Dan, feeling the sand warm his back.

"What can I say, being a douchebag should be my career," Dan shrugs his shoulders, a thin half-smile flashing over his face before he continues digging, obstinately staring into the sand as his hand's plough through it with determination.

"Nah, I think you're way too kind for that, despite your talent to unintentionally harm other people’s self-esteem," Phil says, shrugging after he dizzily attempts to sit up.

Dan quirks an eyebrow. "Who said it was unintentional?" When Phil only raises an eyebrow, Dan mumbles, "I'm joking." 

"Very funny," Phil mutters wryly, a small smile deceiving the tone of his voice.

-

"This is going great, how's it working out for you?" Dan asks absently, in the reflection of his eyes his sandcastle is taking form.

"Great," Phil says through gritted teeth.

"Dad, it's not looking too great," Charlie says in an honest tone as he sits a small distance from Phil, his legs buried in the warm sand.

"Gee, thanks Charlie," Phil mutters bitterly. "When we agreed on this I thought you'd join me!"

"Hey, Char-man! Be kind to your old dad!" Dan calls. He's turned his head, looking over his shoulder with a grin. The skin on his back is golden and looks smooth. His black swimming trunks are the only thing that stops Phil from seeing all of Dan; he doesn't know why that makes his cheeks red hot. 

Phil admires Dan's courage to merely wear swimming trunks with this many people around. Phil had felt a little too self-conscious for that and threw on a shirt along with his swimming trunks.

"I'm not that old!" Phil says, sounding huffy. It's hot in the sun and Phil's actually starting to feel a little ill-tempered, forehead pounding remotely. His body feels sweaty and a little icky and the sand sticks to his arms.

"Grampa-dad! Grampa-dad!" Charlie shouts happily, running around in circles between Dan and Phil's builds. His bright voice rings in Phil's ears.

"You started all of this!" Phil accuses, glaring at Dan. He's not really angry at Dan, more in the mood of tantalizing jokes. Maybe it's because he's become grumpy and tired from the exposure to the heat.

"Me? I'm not guilty!" Dan exclaims throwing up his hands. Dan doesn't look offended instead he joins in on the joke, as if the theatre kid essence runs through his veins naturally.

"You'll never catch me alive!" Charlie screams as he's running away in the sand almost tripping over his own feet. He's adorable and Phil has to smile faintly.

"I think you've just found the culprit." Dan gestures with his head in Charlie's way.

"Hey Char, if I don't arrest you for teasing an old man, will you cheer me on?" Phil asks.

"Hmm... nope," Charlie replies cheekily.

"What will it take to win you over?" Phil says. 

Charlie hastily proclaims, "Loads of ice cream, and some for Dino too!" Of course Charlie would say that, that’s just what Phil would’ve said as a little boy. 

"I will be in debt because of this kid," Phil sighs dramatically.

"It's probably worth it," Dan mumbles.

"Why? Cause he's an adorable little tease?" Phil asks with a fond look as he watches Charlie.

"Pretty much, yeah," Dan says as he's smoothing out a part of his building with the palm of his hand.

"Wow, and you're supposed to be a child physiatrist," Phil snorts but Dan doesn't laugh. His expression is blank, eyes kind of big looking as if the whole world could fall into them without Dan realising. It's not funny, Phil realises that. It sounded funny in his head and it was meant as a joke but Dan isn't laughing. Oh god, Phil's really fucked this up.

Dan downcasts his eyes eyebrows furrowing, on his forehead lines are drawn up in his sand like skin, building sandcastles of thoughts Phil can't reach.

"Dan? I'm so sorry. That was unnecessary." Phil whispers quietly, his voice barely there, just a meek echo of his former voice. Dan crosses his arms, he looks up at Phil for a second, his eyes wearing the same hollow expression and he nods. He leans forward, hunching his back and buries his hands in the sand continuing to work.

Phil feels sick to his stomach. He bites his tongue shaking his head for himself. Why did he think that'd be funny?

-

When Phil's done there stands a beautifully slanting sandcastle. Its golden walls are decorated with little rocks sandpapered by the ocean to look like stained glass windows. Charlie has placed tiny sticks all over the place around the castle telling Phil it’s its citizens. 

Dan has gone back to his cheery old self (albeit a little stiffly), finishing up on the castle. Dan's castle consists of grand walls closing off the little town within. 

They sit in the sand awaiting the judges coming to look at their builds. Phil's brought a three-pack of blackcurrant cartons in his bag, that all three of them are sipping on as they wait.

Phil still feels bad for what he’d said to Dan, it wasn’t fair. Phil hadn’t meant it like that though, it just kind of fell out of his mouth. A stupid joke that’s what it’d been. It’s just his own feelings for physiatrists coming in the way. Dan isn’t the anterior specialists Phil and Charlie’s met.

The wind gets up, picking up their hair tugging it around wildly. A tubby woman with a grey pencil skirt and a purple scarf swaying in the wind walks around beside another woman wearing swimming trunks and a loose-fitting tank top. It looks like they might be the judges.

Phil thinks it must be warm with a scarf wrapped around your neck like that but maybe it isn't. Dan points at them, saying, "I think they're the judges, I really hope they can appreciate true art.”

"Oh, so you mean like me and Charlie's masterpiece." Phil grins, earning himself a glare.

-

"I can't believe we didn't win!" Phil sighs, picking up Charlie in his arms.

"We lost to that? Man, that's unfair" Dan says, side-eyeing the winning construction. It's a couch made out of sand, that had wowed the judges as they one by one sat down on it. They had described the work as outside of the box thinking and extraordinarily. Dan had just snorted quietly at that. 

"At least mine was the second-best," Dan says ultimately, sighing dramatically.

"Nu-uh, it was not," Phil asserts feeling a bit playful.

"Both of you lost so you'll have to buy me ice cream because that's only fair!" Charlie insists crossing his arms and pouting.

-

"Charlie explain to me how this happened?" Phil questions, quirking his eyebrow as they stand in the queue up to the ice cream shop.

"Only a mastermind's masterplan coming into fruition," Charlie grins rubbing his hands together. Phil snorts at that, hugging Charlie to his chest. 

"Oh no, run everybody! A new supervillain has been born and he will steal all your sweets!" Dan laughs, and Phil rolls his eyes.

"Truly a nightmare and a heck of a dental fee for me" Phil groans. "Charlie, your teeth are suffering enough already from your candy fixation."

"No, they aren't, they're partying, they love sugar just as much as me!" he exclaims, a wide grin blossoming up on his face.

"I doubt that, but I guess since we're on vacation. I'll buy you some." 

-

"He really likes ice cream huh?" Dan laughs as they sit watching Charlie play in the small playground.

"Yeah, he has a sweet tooth just like me." Phil says remembering how he’d as a small child steal candy from his brothers bag when he wasn’t looking. Martyn would morosely glare at him whenever he’d catch him but he’d never tell on Phil. Martyn was weirdly kind to him like that, it makes Phil smile remembering it.

"So he didn't get it from his other parent?" Dan asks, his brown eyes watch Phil with curiosity.

"Oh no, um Alex wasn't... he didn't, erm, like sweet things that much," Phil admits, shrugging his shoulders. He looks out on Charlie who's climbing up a climbing wall. Phil heart throbs painfully. He doesn’t want to be reminded of him. The mental pictures are enough already. The distant memories fading and losing clarity with every day that wanders. 

Phil is painfully holding on, but they’re torn from his hands little by little. He doesn’t want to remember yet if that’s the thing that keeps him from disappearing completely he has to. The memories is all he has left.

"Oh, have you tried bribing him?" Dan says quirking an eyebrow as he smirks. He doesn’t know and Phil has to tell him. He can’t bear Dan bringing it up again. It’d be mean to Dan to not make it clear that the subject is painful. Maybe Dan would blame himself for unintentionally emotionally harming Phil, Phil couldn’t bear it if Dan somehow figured it out himself. Phil wouldn’t wish those kind of self destructing thoughts on anyone.

That’s why he in someway has to make it clear. Phil can’t outright tell him, he doesn’t think he could get the adhesive words off his tongue even if he tries. But it is important to start in one end. To at least tell Dan part of the truth. 

He can hear words ringing in his mind, something his dad used to say. Phil hadn’t remembered it until now. Conversation is key. That’s what he used to tell Phil when he as an angsty teen had snarled something about how they’d never understand. He ignored them then but he’s always known that they’re important words.

"Oh um no we're not... um together anymore... erm," Phil says awkwardly looking out ahead anew, the hair on his forehead is waving in the wind. He said it. Managed to toss Dan a fragment of the truth. A seed Dan can unravel to see the truth blossom in its raw bittersweet form.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," Dan's expression suddenly changes completely, a pitying expression intaking his features, "I'm guessing you're single then if I'm not too invasive for asking?" He mumbles carefully. Of course Dan wants to know, it’s his physiatrist side talking, wondering how Phil is managing the single parent life. If he only knew that isn’t the only thing Phil is fighting to keep afloat.

"Oh yeah, I've been for a year, I've tried going on dates but I just I haven't found anyone," Phil shrugs. Well it was one date and Phil had really tried to get to know this guy. He was a sweet handsome young man in his twenties with a beautiful skin like the night sky, always wearing some type of stylish suit. He had liked him but Phil’s emotional baggage got the best of him and he had to end it with him before they’d even really started.

Maybe it wasn’t what Phil needed right then and there?

"Okay," Dan mumbles, he leans his head on his knee gazing out as Charlie stands in the tower waving at them. Dan's expression brightens and he waves back smiling widely. It’s cute, making Phil’s heart swell with fondness.

Phil downcasts his eyes kicking away a grit with his shoe. "Um, why did you help me on the plane that day?" he asks discreetly. Phil has wondered ever since. How a person can do something like that, it feels too pure for the world he lives in. The world feels far too cynical. He knows that isn’t something former Phil would’ve said but that was just because Phil didn’t view the world the same way he did back then. Hadn’t seen how black and white it could turn, how it could swallow your hope, throw you under the surface at any given moment.

"Oh," Dan laughs, looking down into the ground. "I took notice of you when I stepped into the flight, I guess you just had something about you, you looked so tired and I have no problem with helping take care of children so I thought maybe you could use some help... um yeah," he shrugs.

"I just wanted to thank you I guess," Phil shrugs awkwardly, sending a small smile his way. He really does want to thank Dan more than this. If the world really wasn’t this cynical he’d reach out and hug Dan thighly. Telling him that what he did meant so much to Phil. But maybe now when the moment has passed he’ll never get to acknowledge Dan of that. It makes him subdued.

Dan smiles then, a big smile with his eyes twinkling. "No problem." And maybe for now that’s enough, to see Dan happy even if Phil can’t yet give away more of himself.

-

They move back towards the beach, flip flops clacking against the paved stone road. Their stomachs are full and satisfied. The air coming in from out at sea is fresh and crisp. It's not as hot as it was earlier today. 

Now would've probably been a more reasonable time to build sandcastles but Phil is too tired to discuss it with Dan, but it's a content type of tiredness which leaves him buzzing with life.

Phil lets himself forget about all worries for tonight as Charlie finds two buckets left in the sand. Dan grips one holding it in his hands. He furrows his eyebrows, saying, "Someone must've forgotten them." He looks up over at Phil dangling the bucket's plastic bail on his pinkie.

Phil nods at Dan, watching as Dan furrows his brow looking into the bucket. 

"Hey Charlie, would you like to build one last thing?" Dan says, smiling down towards him. Charlie face cracks up into a smile, like the sun peeking out from behind silvery clouds.

"Phil?" Dan says seeking his eye contact. Phil rolls his eyes.

"Fine." He mutters, in reality Phil is quite happy with staying up later hanging out with Charlie and Dan.

Dan has freckles covering his skin, and his nose and ears are sunburned. Phil gets distracted as Charlie's hands out a blue bucket to him. The plastic feels warm and smooth in his hands like he imagines Dan's skin'd feel under his fingertips, just more alive and breathing… Not that he thinks about that or anything...

"A moat?" Dan grins looking over at Phil and grips the bail firmly, his cheeks adopting the colours of roses and red wine during slow, late nights.

"A what?" Phil frowns, touching his finger to his lips. Dan just laughs shaking his head, eyes twinkling.

"Phil, you didn't listen did you?" 

"Dad, that's disrespectful," Charlie frowns, crossing his arms over his chest as he stands with his feet buried in the golden cover of the sand.

"We're supposed to collect jellyfish and put them in the moat. Charlie's the judge," Dan says already running up to the shore, the bucket bumping against his legs. "And we're starting right now!"

"Now?" Phil says standing as Dan dances among the waves, bucket flowing through the water by the control of his hand.

Phil jerks his eyes away from the seafront at the call of Charlie's voice. "Come on Dad, are you the best or what?"

"You already know I am," Phil calls as he runs to join Dan. The water is tepid as it washes by his ankles in a fluid motion. Gold is reflected from the sun on the surface of the water.

Dan holds up his bucket when Phil nears. "Hah already caught one!" he exclaims happily. Phil snorts at that. There's no way he's going to lose.

-

By the time Dan's caught his third and Phil still stares down into his empty bucket, Dan states, "maybe it's time for you to give up?" in a teasing voice.

Phil pushes Dan in the shoulder, glaring at Dan. "Not a chance!" And he means it, there's no way he's going to lose to Dan. Phil has got it in him. The rhythm of the swift motion of the bucket as it sweeps through the blue depths from side to side by the flick of his wrist.

Charlie is digging the moat around the castle as a puppy would and Phil watches for a second as the sand cascades into the air and forms small smoke clouds.

When Phil finally discerns the shimmer of a jellyfish in his bucket, he exclaims, "Yes!" Dan glances over at him, doing a thumbs up.

-

By the time Charlie calls them up out of the water, Phil's not so certain he's going to win anymore. His hair is standing haywire on his head, eyes a shock of blue in contrast to his milk-white skin, and the sky is darkening. Filled with stars spread out above their heads, proof that there's always going to be specks of brilliance even in the darkest of nights.

He's soaked up to the middle of of his shorts from when the ocean had licked its way up in a crash of tremendous flair.

Charlie checks both of their buckets, then he nods to himself dramatically. In the moment of silence, Phil's heart swells with love for his little boy.

"I've come to the conclusion that Dan is the winner," he states haughtily stroking an invisible beard.

"That's not fair, where’s my dad points?" Phil complains with a pout.

"Dad you can't cheat your way to victory just because you have the privilege of being my dad," Charlie declares.

"Hmph!" Phil sulks.

"Uh-oh someone is a sore loser!" Dan mocks and grins widely, clearly taking great amusement of Phil's misery. His eyes are gleaming with a degree of critical naughtiness and his cheeks have carved out dimples.

"Psch you're a sore winner!" Phil mutters dryly as Dan begins poking him with a finger with a playful expression on his face. Well, that's until Charlie coughs looking disgruntled as he raises his eyebrows in an unimpressed manner. 

When both of them flush Charlie looks pleased. "Now pour them into the moat with the water," he commands, his eyes lighting up in excitement and he claps his hands vigorously.

"Are you sure they're gonna make it?" Phil says sceptically with a frown painted up like pale dunes on his forehead, as they stand watching the jellyfish float around in the water.

Dan looks up at him smiling warmly, placing a hand on Phil's shoulder. "Don't worry, the tides will bring them back to safety, they'll survive."

They watch them for a while, how their bodies stretch out as they move in an enchanting rhythm. 

"Look there it comes!" Dan points towards the ocean as water licks up the shore at an incredible speed, flowing in smoothly over the moat and bringing the jellyfish with it to the depths of the ocean.

-

They stand in the reception area of the hotel. It's stuffy inside of the hotel and the only other person is a sour-looking old man with purple suspenders and a bowtie. 

He wipes his forehead with the back of his hand and forces a polite smile when they walk in.

"Thank you for inviting us Dan, it was fun," Phil says sincerely. Dan looks up at him smiling and nods. They stand there in silence for a few seconds, not knowing what to say.

Dan reaches his hand into the pocket of his trousers and Phil glances interestedly.

"Um... if you ever want to ask me out to a restaurant again, here's my number," Dan says turning around swiftly and walking away with his hands in his pockets. 

Phil stares surprised at him for a moment before a smile spreads on his lips.


	6. Chapter 6

The air is humid and lukewarm. They're sitting outside in the luscious dark green grass, the sky is yellow, breaching on orange. With the sun going down in front of them it looks like the whole audience's hair is burning bright.

The sweet tunes of the local band are seeping through Phil's skin, running within his veins. He feels relaxed and kind of sleepy. Charlie's here and Dan... Dan's also here.

Phil's stomach tightens with something warm. His skin is almost buzzing as if he's under the influence of alcohol. He's not, but tonight being here together with both Charlie and Dan feels a bit intoxicating. Not only that, it's wicked scary as well; he's afraid his mind will start wandering.

Thinking stupid things, like how much they look like a tight-knit, cosy family right now, sitting in the grass watching a band they've never heard before. Dangerous thoughts like that, that makes his heart beat loud in his ears. But also sets off another fear-stricken question clinging to his chest suffocatingly: Would Charlie approve of something like that? And if he doesn't...

Charlie comes first no matter what.

He's feeling guilty thinking about what Alex would think, after such a short period... well one year isn't really short, is it? But it still feels like it was only a moment ago he was ripped away from them. It still feels like he's Alex's. Not that that term is allowed anymore, how can it be when the person who he belonged with was just plucked out of space and time like he never fucking existed elsewhere except in Phil's own mind?

Charlie is laying over his lap half sleeping and Phil tucks a strand of his hair behind his ear. The boy smiles contently then, eyes half-closed.

He looks over at Dan sitting beside him and Dan looks back with dark comforting eyes. He's breathing in, lips broadening into a touch of a smile, and Phil forgets how to breathe. How can someone be that beautiful, how can him doing something simple like breathing make Phil feel this way?

As if all of the bones in his body have grown haunting flowers, their roots grounding him stuck to this place. To ensure he never leaves Dan's side, because if he does maybe he'll run away forever, too afraid for what these feelings falling into bloom really mean.

It's probably wrong suddenly thinking this just after he's been thinking about Alex, but it's like he’s incapable of stopping these thoughts from invading his brain like this.

"I don't think I've ever heard this type of music before," Dan says thoughtfully. It makes Phil wonder what type of music Dan usually listens to. If he's more into the lyrics rather than the instrumentals or if he prefers a mixture of both?

Phil likes the muted sound of a baseline, he likes to hear the music talk rather than remembering the actual words of the song. He's never been one for lyrics.

"Me neither," Phil mumbles. But he kind of likes it.

He's tried to embrace the try new things mantra but honestly, it's not going to great. He finds himself repeating the same mistakes over and over. Being hesitant to try to the point where when he's finally convinced himself it's far too late.

Plus, he's got Charlie to take care of, right? It leaves little time for Phil to do his own things. Not that he has something that's his anymore...

In uni he had dreams about directing his own movies. On the side of course work, he filmed short films together with a few new-found friends.

Now it never led to something but it's still there somewhere. A small simmering hope kept moderated, under the surface.

Dan continues talking. "It's pleasant, like, oddly cathartic to hear something entirely different from what I usually listen to..."

"Yeah," Phil breathes, proceeding to look over at him. Dan laughs under his breath looking down in his lap, shaking his head. Then he looks up with a tiny grin adorning his face.

"You're thinking I'm talking rubbish, aren't you?"

"No." Phil smiles, shaking his head as he meets Dan's eyes. He kinda finds it very cute when Dan does that.

"I'm starting to sound like some poet who just feels so much angst right now! I desperately need to write down my lamentable backstory.” Dan laughs and Phil's stomach twists.

"No, you sound like you," Phil says softly, smiling carefully, then his eyes widen realising what he's said sounds far too much like he's enamoured with Dan, but before he can take it back Dan coos.

"Aw, Phil the gentleman striking again is it?" Dan laughs heartily, then he continues, the corner of his mouth quirking up into a half-smile, "More like I'm still stuck in 2009?"

A smug smile takes its form on Phil's face. "Yeah a little bit you... big emo!" Dan looks surprised for half a second then he pulls what can only be described as a this guy expression at Phil's shit-eating grin.

"Oh shut it!” Dan exclaims eventually, his cheeks rosy. "I take the gentleman part back, you're just a meanie," he says then, pouting excessively.

After sitting in silence a moment, both in their own minds, Dan says thoughtfully, "I guess I'm kinda still a bit emo, even if I'm gonna deny it if you ask."

"I guess I was a bit of an emo back then too." Phil avows, blushing when Dan laughs out loud, throwing his head back. When he's calmed down he looks at Phil endearingly and grins widely. "No way, you weren't!"

Phil laughs quietly. "I kinda was, with big black hair like a crows nest and a side-swept fringe," he gesticulates with his hands.

When Dan coos at that too Phil blushes anew and mutters "Oh shush." 

"I wonder what would've happened if we meet then, as teenagers?" Dan ponders, he looks over at Phil studying him with his dark eyes, like he's actually serious about wanting to know.

Phil looks back into his eyes, not breaking contact when he replies, "I reckon we'd be friends." And Phil means it. Having a friend like Dan back then would’ve probably made some parts of growing up much easier. 

"Yeah?" Dan says, a corner of his mouth lifting invitingly, his eyes twinkle, interested.

Phil nods and they break eye contact awkwardly, both chuckling under their breath, embarrassed.

They stare out on the band in silence as they play on the small stage near the hotel. Suddenly he can feel a hand enclosing his, Dan has laid his palm flat over Phil's hand and oddly enough it doesn't make Phil feel weird, instead, he sighs and lets himself have this if only for now.

-

"Daddy, I'm sleepy" Charlie mumbles and Phil looks down fondly where Charlie is laying with his head on Phil's lap. He brushes his hands through his locks lovingly. It's been almost an hour since the concert started and Charlie has nearly fallen asleep two times.

"We should probably retreat now," he says looking up at Dan. Dan gives him a smile, sitting up a little more properly.

"You want some help? I could put Charlie to bed for you, read him a nighttime story?" he asks tilting his head to the side to look at Charlie.

Phil chuckles a gentle smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "Dan Howell, you're an angel in disguise."

For a second Dan looks as if he's gonna deny it, a bashful rosy patch appearing on his cheek. "Oh?" he breathes looking down into his lap.

Something in Phil's stomach turns. It's an exciting, nervous feeling making the hair on his arms stand up like wild untamed hay. He feels giddy as if he ran into unknown territory, where no one's ever been in a long, long time.

Suddenly Dan looks up again with a grin. "I thought you said I was emo two seconds ago."

Dan's triumphant smile is so silly it has Phil full-on giggling. "Oh shut it," Phil says waving his hand dismissively.

-

"Hey, Char?" Dan says grinning when Charlie is laying under the covers of his bed.

"Yep?" Charlie wonders. He looks up at Dan and his bright little eyes twinkle mischievously. How come such a rowdy child can be so adorable at the same time? He makes Dan's heart warm in ways only small children and dogs can.

"Wanna hear a bedtime story?" Dan sits down on the side of the bed leaning his head in his hand, elbow resting on his knee. Dan has always liked telling stories almost as much as he likes helping people.

He wants to make an impact, make a difference in people’s lives by helping them. He guesses that's why he's always wanted to be some kind of doctor.

At first, helping animals was his pick but by some twist of fate, he met Juliette, his mom's friend who just so happened to be a child psychiatrist. Shortly after that, she offered him to work as a trainee.

Dan is brought back from his thoughts when Charlie pipes up, "Only if it isn't lame," giving Dan an impish grin.

"Pfft, I only tell rad stories because I'm the coolest," Dan says easily shrugging his shoulders.

"No, you're not!" Charlie kicks him gently with his foot under the duvet, a smug grin spreading on his face. Dan really should find him irritating but he can't help but think he's utterly charming with his border on grumpy humour.

Dan's happy to see Charlie looking a lot happier than he did the first time he saw him. Before he knew the two of them. Phil seems more peaceful too... well at least more relaxed.

But now and again Dan can still see something like sorrow glimmering behind the man's eyes and he's suspected it is something more than just the look of a tired father. It's a kind of sadness Dan recognises, a far off alarm's ringing telling him there are some things that can't just be solved with a snap of a finger.

And as cheesy as it sounds, a hollow gaze like that needs liberty and time to once more be filled with life. Hell, sometimes time isn't ever enough to fully heal. Sometimes, some things remain, left softened by time like the rocks Dan plucks by the shore.

"Ouch," Dan says dramatically, the corner of his mouth pulling into an inexorable half-smile.

"Dads can't be cool, that's just the law," Charlie says nonchalantly.

"Oh?" Dan says quirking his eyebrow, his upper lip lifting into a smirk as he snorts. "What law?"

"The one I've just invented," he smirks proudly.

"Is that so? Then it's lucky I'm not a dad and I can still be hip."

"Hip is definitely a dad thing to say though..." Charlie insists. Dan can almost hear him say something on the likes of you can't trick me, he shakes his head, smiling softly.

"...So you are a dad!" Charlie concludes.

"I am? Is that also a law you've just come up with?” Dan wonders with a broad grin adorning his features. Dan has no problem with being called a dad. He’s always wanted children and it’s kind of heart warming hearing Charlie call him a dad. Like a sort of confirmation he’d be a good one.

"Yep, deal with it," Charlie says smugly, cuddling up in his comforter contently.

"Offf- I felt that burn" Dan laughs, rolling his eyes playfully.

Charlie grins, far too pleased with himself.

-

Dan wipes his forehead, walking over to the doorway looking back one last time at Charlies sleeping form, smiling fondly for himself. He walks out carefully closing the door, leaving only a small gap open.

"Okay Phil he's asleep now and I op-" Dan turns around and cuts himself off, his eyes widening at the image of Phil curled up on the bed, asleep. It's almost funny how tiny he can look despite how long he really is. Dan takes a hesitant step forward a fond expression washing over his face, tender and kind, like the first drops of summer rain.

He grabs the duvet besides Phil airing it and watching it float up in the wind with ease, looking almost weightless until it lands with a dull thud enveloping Phil. Carving out his features.

Dan tucks him in, smoothes out the material warily and hesitates for a second before leaning in a giving Phil a peck on the forehead, whispering “goodnight”.


	7. Chapter 7

They're sitting on the hotel bed watching a movie on the TV. Charlie’s eyes are glued to the screen. Phil's sitting on the bed behind Charlie. He's quite enjoying watching something together with Charlie. His thoughts don't have to wander and he won't have to be anxious about the quiet. Won't have to think about what to say or do, if he's done something wrong or if he's just overthinking. 

Just the sound of the TV and Charlie beside him. It's comforting. Like being back before all of this, like being able to breathe properly.

He reaches out and holds the side of Charlie's head gently, kissing the spot above his eyebrow, earning an annoyed look and a swat his way.

"Are you enjoying the movie?" Phil asks, leaning his head on Charlie's shoulder, his lips curling into a smile when Charlie pouts.

"No," He says willfully, turning his nose up wrenching his head away from Phil. 

Sighing, Phil say, "how about I buy some snacks for the movie. Will you enjoy it then?" Charlie’s eyes light up as if he's saying now you're speaking my language.

"Popcorn?" Phil rolls his eyes at the question, a fond smile taking up his features.

"Yep." Phil states standing up and ruffling Charlie's hair. "Daddy's just gonna be gone for a little while."

"Alright," Charlie mumbles concentration once again on the screen before him.

-

Phil's eyes search the shelves, when he finally spots the small package he smiles to himself. He's lucky Charlie has just as great taste in snacks as him. 

As he's paying for the snacks and the cashier asks him distantly if he wants a bag, it's clear that what's on his mind is a soft, warm bed. And Phil can't help but remember when he was that young and worked during weekends in a small shop near the beach. 

He knows he's romanticizing it because the shores stretched with sand were nowhere near as soft and warm under your feet as they are here. And the job itself wasn't half as fun or exciting as it might sound to a visitor’s ear. But at least he did have a lot of wonderful views to look out on from his place behind the counter.

Phil musters a tired smile in return and replies that he'll just put it in the tote bag dangling in the fold of his arm faithfully. As he makes it out of the shop and stands for a moment breathing in the fresh and clean evening air his eyes get caught on a familiar figure sitting on a rock in the outskirts of the shore.

His silhouette is curved and lanky, the curly hair bushy and untamable. his nose somewhat crooked and the tip of it upturned. He seems to look out into the distance, his eyes caught on the sunsetting scene in front of him.

And Phil has to admit to himself that the white moderately loose-fitting t-shirt in a strange way suits him perfectly. He looks good. Just a little more casual than usual.

Yet his mood didn't seem to resemble his choice of clothing, he looked less light-hearted. Almost sad. His dark brown eyes reflected the golden glow from the last rays of the sun. There was a valiant smile on his thoroughly bitten lips.

Phil gets the sense that he’s somehow witnessing something forbidden. As if what Dan’s projecting is too precious for an outsider’s eye. It feels as if he is standing naked and exposed with those raw emotions on his face. 

These emotions weren't Phil's to see, these types of sentiments are left after the sun setting scene, after the curtain has dropped, when the happily ever after was supposed to start but somehow went awry. Phil knew because he too recognised that expression, had seen it on his own face through the reflection of a mirror.

After Phil had stood for quite some time, staring, he downcast his eyes, swallowing before reluctantly taking off his shoes and setting a first foot into the golden sea spread out between him and Dan.

As he near Dan appears to glance over at him once before realising who it is. His face lights up but Phil can see in between the cracks of his mask. 

"Hi," Dan mumbles, his fingers suddenly fiddling with something in his hands, it’s round and polished. Phil's eyes fix to the sudden movement and come to rest there. But he doesn't say anything, sitting down heavily on the small place besides Dan on the rock. 

He watches one of Dan's large hands aberrantly delicately follow the seam of the shirt. The other hand sealed around the object.

"How are you?" 

Dan looks up at him, his eyes wide and panic-stricken. At the sight of that Phil quickly gesticulates with his hands. "Wait- stupid question. Don't answer," Phil mumbles, embarrassed. He hunches up his shoulders, shaking his head dismissively. "Forget I asked," he says, looking down at the sand finding its way in between his toes. 

Dan doesn't seem to relax, instead he looks over at Phil carefully. He opens his mouth, then closes it seemingly thinking before muttering,"It doesn't really matter, I’m just like this sometimes, it's no one's fault, really," he shrugs his shoulders weakly. Phil nods. 

He watches as Dan meets his eyes. It's a bit like looking himself in the eyes, like finding something familiar to cling onto, a glimpse of hope reflected golden in dark eyes. 

Dan's face is rounded and soft, his cheeks flushed rose. Phil finds an urge within himself to reach out with his hands and follow the contour of his face until they come to rest on his cheeks.

The thought scares him, so he stands up abruptly from where he was sat. "Walk with me along the shore?" Dan nods at that timidly, eyes seeking the sun setting in the distance.

As they traipse along the border between safety and menace, tremendous waves and soft beds, Phil finds himself asking "What were you doing there all alone?"

Dan shrugs his shoulders, hands buried in the pockets of his trousers. There's a moment of silence that feels like an eternity. He opens his mouth, trying to form words as if they were chewing gum, sticking to his teeth refusing to leave his mouth. Utmost tentatively he begins. "I guess I was watching the sunset, escaping the rest of the world for a moment of silence." 

He looks down, frowning at his own reflection in a small puddle in the sand most probably dug by a child. "And maybe I was thinking a little too... " he sighs and shrugs again. "I'm probably thinking too much to be considered healthy, but," he laughs hollowly, "I mean, when have I ever followed the norms and standards. I'm probably doing all of this wrong you know? Like, driving in circles and dead ends searching for something I can’t even grasp, instead of following the mapped out roads."

Phil stops, turning around causing Dan to almost stumble into him before he notices. "I mean I don't know, because I'm not a god or anything, because if I was, I'd probably sit somewhere on my glorified cloud sipping some scandalously hot tea. But because I'm not, I'd probably say that there is no way to tell if you're doing life right or wrong."

"Well, that's reassuring." Dan laughs, crossing his arms over his chest. Phil smiles faintly, shrugging gently.

"I mean like, there's no marked out treasure at the end of your journey, no telling which way you should go and how you should do it. It's all up to you," Phil says sadly, closing his eyes and sighing deeply. Dan seems to miss that as he's once again looking out.

"I guess." He grins a tiny bit and for a short period of time, the hint of a dimple rises on a rosy spot on his face. Phil looks at Dan as he watches the view.

"The sunset is pretty, isn't it?" he whispers without looking away. Dan nods, tilting his head to the side and scrutinizing the scenery.

"It is. I don't think I've ever taken the time to actually admire it to this extent," Dan mumbles. And Phil thinks he might understand as he tries to view the world through Dan's eyes.

"I think it’s quite ordinary that we are too afraid to let ourselves enjoy something because it might feels like this huge thing in our minds. Therefore we either miss out on the wonders of it or realises the beauty of it far too late” Phil says. 

Dan nods slowly, replying, "The sunset is this pretty thing, like the first taste of gold before madness. Like finding that thing you were always looking for before it inevitably disappears. But the night... when it comes it's both hauntingly beautiful and dreadful. It captivates you makes you forget all about the sun on your skin, the feel of it as it's licking up your frame, warmth blossoming in your heart. To simply feel alive. It makes you forget to yearn for all of that. It takes away a part of you, hides away your personality under this thick, dull blanket of emotionlessness." Dan shakes his head sadly.

"You sound so certain, like-" Phil trails off, Dan turns to him, his eyes big, dark and earthy, like nature itself when it isn't covered by luscious green meadows. They're something inherently pretty disguised in the masses, something you have to dig for in order to find the real worth.

"...I know how it feels?" He continues, whispering it out as if his words were meant to be kept on the sly.

Phil nods carefully while they stare at each other.

"Phil, has anyone ever told you that the blue of your eyes kind of resemble the inner wing of a blue morpho butterfly?" He frowns, biting his lip thoughtfully. "Only your eyes kind of have a more of a green hint to them..."

Phil blinks, his brain short-circuiting and pouring out the first thing his mind remembers from one of his stray googling exploits.

"Did you know that the azure colour on the butterflies isn't really blue at all, just that they have tiny scales on their wings which creates a structural colour much similar to how the human eye produces what looks like blue."

"You weren't kidding when you told me animal facts were your thing," Dan remarks, and his gaze drifts down to Phil's lips. 

Phil's tongue-tied staring into Dan's eyes. His mind is swimming as they seem to drift closer. He thinks he can smell a faint scent of the cologne Dan might be wearing but he's not sure.

Dan's lips are pink like roses and probably tastes like the first sun rays at spring, as the faint smell of flowers springing to blossom.

Just as he can feel breath on his lips he can sense the bag in the bend of his arm slipping and suddenly his eyes dart wide open. He gasps, flinching backwards violently. "Shit, Charlie!" he exclaims, horrified.

Phil can't believe he forgot he was out only to buy snacks for Charlie. He's such a foul father. How could he forget when Charlie is constantly on his mind? How could he? 

He bites his lips already running back over the sand, messily and mediocrely slipping into his shoes. Phil dashes up the stairs, his heart beating in his chest, his lungs heaving air desperately. He forgets all about brilliant beings like Dan, his mind filled with worry for Charlies wellbeing.

Phil can't remember the last time he ran this fast, the last time- that's a lie. He does remember the last time, he remembers the phone call. The freezing feeling running through his veins. The blood pumping in his ears, the world stopping. When time ceased to exist just for him, for them.

He- he doesn't want to remember.

He fumbles after the card to unlock the door, his sweaty fingers grab it tightly when he finds it. He throws open the door. The room is dark, only illuminated by the TV still playing. But Charlie’s nowhere to be seen. A panic Phil has tried to lessen rises in his chest like tidewater. 

Phil rushes inside only to stop in the middle of the room calling, "Charlie?" At the call of his tearful voice, a sniffle is heard from under the comforter of the bed and then, "Dad?" It's muffled and scared sounding but it is Charlie. Frantically Phil digs under the cover to find Charlie sobbing at the sight of Phil, tears streaming down his chubby cheeks.

"Charlie?" Phil says carefully his voice soft yet staggering. He's really trying to keep it together for Charlie's sake. Charlie needs him to be strong for him. He doesn't need Phil breaking down. 

"I thought they took you as well, I thought you left me too!” Charlie screams. He throws the little Corgi plushie roughly at Phil hitting him in the chest "I hate you, dad! You didn't say where you went! You, you promised you wouldn't leave too! You promised me." 

"I know, I know, sweetie daddy is really sorry," he whispers gloomily. Phil can’t even fathom the pain in his chest. It feels like his heart has been ripped in half a second time. Charlie doesn’t deserve this, it’s all Phil’s fault.

Phil goes to embrace him, and at first Charlie’s just hitting him on the chest with his tiny little fists but soon he seems to dissolve into tears again melting into his chest. And Phil tries to enclose him from the world as if he's some sort of angel when frankly he's the devil himself. Phil has only tried to protect Charlie from this world ever since that happened. He's not done that well of a job, he realises.

Soon Charlie falls asleep against him, he can hear his calm breaths. "It'll be alright, daddy promises that," he whispers into the locks of his little son's dark hair.

He closes his eyes, an ugly grimace taking its form on his face, he bites his lip harshly and a single tear escapes the prison of his eyes. He holds the little boy firmer to his body. Against his will, sobs wrack his frame. Slowly he rocks the both of them back and forth until they both fall asleep, Charlie’s small body pressed against Phil’s.

Phil’s not sure he believes himself anymore.


	8. Chapter 8

It's been a week since they've come home. Phil really thought things would change. But everything's gone back to how it was, essentially.

They flew back the next day after the incident. Phil didn't even have time to say goodbye to Dan. Phil hasn't called him either, and Dan's been silent. Phil guesses this is natural. He fucked up, ran away from Dan when he'd opened up to Phil. He hadn't even said anything to Dan, how could he?

It's dark in his mind. Lately, he hasn't found a window out of it. Charlie has gone back to the way he was, distant and quiet. His eyes say more words than he could ever speak when they look at Phil. All Phil can feel then is a dull stab in the heart. Like it should hurt more but he's too far inside of himself to feel it.

He sniffles, wiping his nose with the back of his hand. His phone is laying heavy in his hand. Like it holds the weight of the world.

He feels so alone. His face scrunches up and he bites his lip, closing his eyes. He wants to curl up into a ball, wants all of this pain to be gone but most of all he wants back what he's lost. He cradles his phone convulsively, watching his own fingers turn white.

He should call someone. His dad... he'd know what to do. His eyes are watery and his vision blurred as he opens his phone, the bright light almost blinds him in the darkness of the kitchen.

Clumsily he taps the green application and scrolls down. When he sees the letter D he presses it and waits. But when his eyes focus and he sees the name it isn't Dad but Dan.

Phil swallows harshly about to disconnect when the beeps stop and the line crackles with sounds of breathing. By then Phil can't end the call. His mind kind of blossoms up and fills with memories and visions of Dan, the ones he's tried to repress ever since he's come home. In hopes that it wouldn't hurt too.

It's Dan sitting in the sand, his eyes earthy and kind, gleaming in the sun like black diamonds. And suddenly he's holding Charlie in his hands and twirling him around so that he flies around, giggling as the brave gusts of the wind tug his curls. And for a second Charlie is Dan's son, Dan and Phil's son. For a second the world doesn't hurt.

"Phil?" Dan breathes his voice is quiet anxious and suddenly he sees Dan standing alone in the sand, gaze so empty and dead Phil actually sniffles.

"Phil!?" Dan says worriedly, voice more present, smooth and warm and there in Phil's heart like a pulse keeping him alive.

"Dan," Phil breathes, his voice sounds smothered and weak, on the breaking point.

Phil can see Dan standing in front of him in a blank white space with Charlie in his arms, they look at Phil calling his name and then suddenly there's someone else there in the corner of his vision. Someone with green eyes as luscious as meadows. But he's gone the second Phil turns his head, keeping in the corner of his eyes. Out of his reach.

Phil looks back at Dan and Charlie, who stands there alone, They look like they need company. And he hears a voice silent and mallow like the wind brushing his ear. "Go." And Phil does.

"I..." Phil starts his voice shaking, he covers it with his mouth suppressing a snuff.

"Daddy?” Phil turns his head around eyes wide, hand still clambered over his mouth. Charlie has stepped into the kitchen. 

“Charlie, I thought you were asleep,” he manages to say, keeping his voice mostly stable. Charlie mustn’t know, he’s just a child. He wouldn’t understand.

“I couldn’t fall asleep dad, there’s a monster under my bed, he’s whispering the cruellest things. He says that Alex won’t come back. That’s not true, is it?”

Phil swallows. The kitchen remains silent and Phil feels like he's spiralling into utter darkness. Dan is silent on the other side of the line before he speaks up, “I’ll come over okay Phil?"

-

There's a ring at the door, Dan immediately hugs him the second he opens the door. He's warm, wrapped up in a hoodie and Phil stands frozen to the ground. In his astonishment, a puff of air is wrung out of him. They stand there a while and Phil closes his eyes and breathes in the smell of Dan. His hoodie is slightly damp and his hair curled. He smells of some cologne mixed up with the rain infused hoodie.

When they part he sees that Dan is holding something, a paper bag with a little bow attached to it. He reaches it over to Phil who tentatively grabs it, feeling the outline of the bottleneck.

"Go to the kitchen I'll put Charlie to bed, alright?" Dan says, his eyebrows are lowered in worry and Phil nods downcasting his eyes guiltily. What kind of adult is he, even? How could he make poor and rejected Dan come here in the middle of the night because he can't handle the thought of being alone? Sometimes Phil can't stand himself.

Phil wipes his eyes and drags himself over to the kitchen placing the paper bag on the table and sitting down heavily. Of all the things Phil could've done this must be the worst. Dan must hate him right now. Phil shouldn't need help, he should be strong enough to handle this himself.

Dan is so strong all the time, why can't Phil be more like him? Why couldn't Alex have been the one who remained with Charlie? Phil doesn't know how to be an adult. Charlie doesn't want him, he wants Alex. And Phil can't be someone else however much he tries.

An ugly emotion pops up in his chest, like poison coaxing its way into his heart. If Charlie loves Dan so much why can't Dan take care of him?

But the logical part of his brain steps in, telling him that without Charlie he'd have nothing left but pain. He's gonna have to endure it.

Dan steps into the kitchen. He's got his hands in his pockets and his eyes are sympathetic as they meet Phil's. He stands for a while there in the door opening, biting his bottom lip.

"Do you have any wine glasses?" Dan wonders pointing vaguely at the cabinets. He stands unsure and in the darkness; he looks like a shadow, but not in a scary, horror movie kind of way. More like a comforting presence that makes Phil feel less alone.

"Above the stove," Phil mumbles quietly. His head rests in his hand and he watches Dan's back as he moves. For some odd reason, Phil imagines himself standing behind Dan in the morning hugging him from behind, kissing Dan's cheek as Dan checks on the fried eggs.

It's not an appropriate thought and Phil knows that, especially since he ran from Dan when he was about to kiss Phil. Phil has thought a lot about that. How he just abandoned Dan. It wasn't like he intended it, all he could suddenly think about at that moment was Charlie. Like the only worry his mind had ever had was if his child was okay.

Plus, it's not like Dan came here so Phil could declare his love for him. Dan came here because Phil needed him. Because he, for some strange reason Phil can't fathom, still cares. Dan must be the most selfless person Phil has gotten to know. He has to be an angel, who said being perfect was a requirement for that anyway? Dan just needs to be himself and that's enough.

Phil has tried to stove away any feelings ever since Charlie and he took off. He thought that he would never see Dan again, so saving himself the pain of thinking about Dan was for the best.

But as soon as he heard Dan's voice, saw him in that hoodie with the worried faint smile on his lips, all those feelings came flooding back like they were never stuffed away to begin with.

"Charlie’s asleep now," Dan says grabbing the glasses delicately with his big hands and bringing them to the table.

”You know, I’ll never understand how he did that, manage to make Charlie fall asleep by reading." Phil says he shakes his head a thin smile drawn upon his face. It's like watching a flower you've nurtured gradually wilt in your garden, bittersweet.

Dan watches him silently, sitting down at the table across from Phil. His eyes have a depth Phil's never really witnessed in another human prior to him. 

"But then, you come along and are able to do the exact same thing, if not better." Phil laughs wetly, motioning with his hand."It gives me hope that there are more people like him out there." Phil continues looking at Dan.

"People with kind hearts..." 

"What am I saying, oh god I’m sorry Dan, I can’t compare you to him. That's unfair, you are your own person,” Phil mutters, burying his face in his palm, shaking his head.

Dan shakes his head, reaching out his hand to place it on Phil's on the table. “It’s not, I’m honoured to be compared to a legend".

The way Dan says it makes it sound like Alex was this great thing. This otherworldly creature consisting of good. Phil doesn't want to put him on that pedestal. It'd be unfair to Alex and it'd be unfair to himself.

"He was... he wasn't a legend. He was human, he had his quirks, he wasn't perfect, you know, but I loved him," Phil mumbles.

"Yeah? Tell me about him," Dan says promptly voice encouraging and soft. Phil can feel his chest fill with warmth by how genuinely interested Dan is about hearing all about Phil's life and the people in it.

But in the same way that makes Phil want to hide in himself again. Dan cares so much, and what if Phil ends up disappointing him in some way?

Phil shakes his head, scrunching up his face. Then he whispers, "Why did you come here?" He needs to know why Dan was willing to do it even though Phil just... escaped.

Dan withdraws his hand, sitting up properly. "Phil, you were having a breakdown over the phone. Of course I couldn't just ignore that!" he says admonitory.

"Right, sorry," Phil says embarrassed feeling guilt wash over him even stronger than the last time.

"But after what I did... that was such douchebaggery, I don't really deserve your help." Phil shakes his head, looking Dan in the eyes. Dan's expression softens.

"Phil, don't say that, you always deserve help, regardless if you've wronged me or not, you're only human, sometimes people don't think through their actions but that doesn't mean you're not worthy of help."

"I'm sorry Dan, for leaving you when you... tried to kiss me. I just- Charlie he's so unstable and I forgot- I'm just a mess." He bites his lip, his face twisting up in a grimace.

"I'd appreciate if you had told me that, so I could've understood the situation," Dan says slowly, his gaze flicking over Phil's eyes.

"I'm sorry, I don't regret talking to you though, I regret being so stupid, forgetting about Charlie, running away from you, never telling you how I really felt about you."

"Oh, Phil" Dan sighs, his expression full of sorrow.

"I just want you to know that I never meant to hurt you," he says honestly. Dan nods slowly. "Do you forgive me for running away?" he asks quietly.

"Yeah" is the only thing Dan whispers back.

Phil swallows, gathering the courage to ask Dan something he's wondered ever since that night at the restaurant. "Dan? When you said that thing about how your nana buying you gifts wasn't something good, what did you mean?"

Dan laughs under his breath bitterly. "They were guilty presents. My parents... um, when they had me they were still very young, busy working to their heart's content or whatever." Dan shrugs resentfully. "So my nan pretty much took care of me. She'd take me too nearby farms and buy me books about animals to keep me from asking and thinking about my parents. If I ever did she'd say that they'd be here sometime soon and 'wouldn't I want her to read one of the books she'd bought me?' And once my parents finally decided they had time for a family he came along. Their little golden child, who got all their attention. I felt abandoned and lonely as if they'd chosen him over me. Like if I didn't exist then maybe then they wouldn't have had to dump me off to nan."

Dan fiddles with the sleeves of his jet black hoodie. His dark brown eyes roam up to meet Phil's.

"So in one way animals became my own bittersweet rescue thanks to nan and my parents I guess. Even if I, in the end, ended up choosing to be a child psychiatrist instead. If I'm being honest I couldn't really bear being reminded of why I liked animals so much every single day on my way to work."

"Wow." Phil mutters, his eyes widening. There's so much sadness in Dan's voice, and it all gathers in Phil's chest. He doesn't understand how Dan could handle it. "I- Dan I'm really sorry that that happened to you."

"It got worse when I started to get bullied in school, my parents just didn't know and I never wanted to tell them, we never formed that close of a bond."

"How do you manage it?" Phil asks carefully.

"I didn't," Dan shakes his head, breathing it out with a bitter laugh. "I used to repress it but it got too much. My friend Dawn, she told me that I had to talk to someone after I kept texting her in the middle of the night, and I was reluctant, denying being in need of help.The next day she came over and supported me in booking an appointment with a psychiatrist. And gradually it's actually helped me. I'm still chronically depressed but I've managed to accept that, and life just gets so much better when you have someone to talk to. It's impossible for one human to go around carrying all that emotional weight by themselves without receiving any help."

Phil downcasts his eyes, nodding vacuously.


	9. Chapter 9

Dan unscrews the wine bottle, pouring some into their glasses. Phil lifts the glass to his lips and takes a sip. The bittersweet taste fills his mouth and expands on his tongue. He swallows emphatically.

"Phil, if I'm gonna understand what is happening to you and Charlie I need to hear the whole story," Dan says severely.

"Yeah," Phil says blankly, nodding his head. "Of course you do."

"Um so," he clears his throat. How is he going to explain this to Dan? He sits there across from Phil, his hood lowered. His hair is curly and damp, his cheeks are reddened, skin still mildly dewy from being outside. 

When had it began raining? Phil can't recall hearing it pound violently on the window or the whine of the wind shaking the panes. He shakes his head internally, awakening from his thoughts, Alex, Dan... yeah.

"I had a boyfriend, Alex. We meet during university, from the very start he was very charming and kind and eventually we fell in love. We lived almost five years together before we knew we wanted something more, a child." Phil's expression softens remembering the day they'd talked about that. How his heart had pounded violently in his chest at the thought of them starting a life together.

"Did you adopt or..." Dan wonders, taking a sip of the wine, his eyebrows furrowed.

"We had a surrogate who was willing to carry," Phil says, shrugging his shoulders. He takes a gulp out of his glass, downcasting his eyes. He doesn't mention Sarah that much, and how much they owe her. She was one of the kindest women he's known, always so mischievous with a glint of life in her grey eyes.

"Since then Charlie has always been our child, always so happy and sweet," Phil continues. Charlie had always been their little miracle, the gold at the end of their rainbow.

"Then about one year ago I, um, was home, it was Saturday evening and we were missing some ingredients to a pumpkin pie, hah, Alex used to love them." Phil laughs, shaking his head mirthlessly. 

He'd beg Phil to make one almost every feast. Charlie had tasted it once and wrinkled his nose at it and ever since he refused to even as much as give it a chance. 

"I said to Alex that I’d go get some with the car and I’d only be a minute. But Alex insisted he do it and take Charlie with him because he was disrupting the making of the food running around giggling.” He pauses. “And I should've said no- but I didn't."

Dan places a warm hand on Phil's hand laying on the table, squeezing Phil's hand. It's comforting, and something warm spreads in Phil's stomach. He smiles faintly.

"What happened, Phil?" Dan pushes. Phil takes a breath, gathering himself. Before his eyes, the memories flash up again.

"They- they. There was a truck and so, so much blood. I don't think- I've never seen so much blood. And Charlie, by some miracle, sat in the passenger's seat without so much as a scrape. He wasn't even crying, he was just staring out into the void, pressing Dino, to his chest." Phil bites his bottom lip, shaking his head violently. Dan squeezes Phil's hand a little tighter.

"Did you know that it was Alex who bought the plushie for Charlie?" he says to Dan, laughing under his breath before shaking his head biting his lip harshly. Dan doesn't say anything; he stays silent, downcasting his eyes. 

"I don't think he even realised what'd happened, even though he saw Alex's body... I don't think I'll ever get those images out of my head either. Charlie has been this distant ever since, distant and easily riled up."

"Oh god," Dan breathes, clasping his hand over his mouth.

"We... after that, they had him sleeping over at the hospital to make sure he was alright, then we flew back to my parents because I couldn't handle it.

When we got onto the plane I had to force myself to act calm for Charlie's sake but my hands were cramping holding onto my phone. I wanted so badly just to be able to call my parents then and there and weep, pressing my legs to my chest. But I knew that if I did that Charlie would've been so frightened. 

When we arrived, my mom hugged me to her chest and she didn't let go for the longest time and I began crying, I couldn't contain it, and dad had to take Charlie with him, telling him that they'd made pancakes.

When I told them what happened, they were so horrified. It was so weird seeing them like that, it felt like it hadn't even happened to me, like their expressions were intended for a tragedy on TV, miles away from our safe bubble.

The first night Charlie and I slept huddled together in my old room. Charlie hadn't said anything the whole day, only nodded or shook his head.

I woke up in the middle of the night, my breath catching in my throat, and the images of the car accident were so real looking it felt like I was experiencing it again.

Slowly, carefully, I lifted the duvet on my side and climbed out of my bed. I sneaked down the stairs to the kitchen to make some tea and was met with my dad crying in the kitchen, his hand cupped over his mouth. 

Carefully I stepped forth whispering "dad?" and he looked up, his eyes red-rimmed. He shook his head, forcing a smile for me. "Phil my boy, what are you doing up?" And just like that, it felt like I was fourteen again and my dad was comforting me from a nightmare.

"I don't know" I managed to force out. "Hey, hey," he said, "we're here if you ever need something, we'll always be here." His words were so comforting even though I knew they weren't true.

Some months passed and Charlie began speaking more, but not as he used to, he wasn't the same. And I know you'll say I have an unhealthy obsession with helping my child and maybe I do but I just want him to be okay."

Phil starts sobbing, big fat tears rolling down his cheeks, he tries to wipe them away hastily. Dan sits up nimbly and strides over to Phil, enveloping him in his arms.

"It didn't help when he started to ask where Alex was and where he'd gone, that he wanted to see him. And I couldn't tell him the truth. I had to say things like, "He can't come over Charlie," and he always had a tantrum, screaming back, "I want dad to be here daddy!" 

We were still living at my parents, I couldn't work, my mind was spiralling into madness."

"Phil, did you ever talk to someone during this period?" Dan asks softly and Phil closes his eyes melting into Dan's embrace. As if Dan was the warm long-awaited sun finally here to motivate Phil to once more blossom to life.

"No... I used to talk to dad but after a while I felt I couldn't burden him with my heavy feelings anymore," Phil mumbles. 

He remembers standing in the kitchen opening his mouth as to say something but being unable to get anything out. As if the bridge between his emotions and his mouth had been cut with a hefty pair of scissors. It felt as if a rift between his parents and him had opened up in the middle of the kitchen floor. He couldn’t speak to them anymore, he couldn’t burden them any further.

"Oh, Phil, if I only had been there then to tell you how important it is that you have someone to talk to," Dan mumbles, rubbing circles on his back comfortingly. "Do you have someone to talk to now?" Dan asks tilting his head to the side catching the glimpse of Phil's eyes gleaming like diamonds.

"You," he murmurs softly, closing his eyes. 

"Phil it's great that you're talking to me, but you need to talk to someone professional as well, do you want me to help you find someone?" Dan asks delicately.

Phil nods, maladroit. He hadn’t realised how lonely he really was before this and how much in need of talking to someone he was. That he’d caused himself this isolation by concealing himself away from the outside world in his grief. He had denied needing help for so long that it became reality in his own head. The only thing he could do to rectify this now was to give himself a chance to get better.

-

"It's almost as if Charlie chose you," Phil whispers into Dan's hoodie.

"I'm sure you say that to everyone," Dan laughs fondly. It's oddly quiet in the kitchen and they haven't moved. It's cathartic being this close to someone without feeling the need to really speak. Phil feels warm and comforted.

"No," Phil says shaking his head. "He barely talks to anyone the way he talks to you." Dan hums, brushing his fingers through Phil's hair.

"Maybe you reminded him of Alex in some way," Phil whispers.

"Maybe," Dan says distantly.

"Even though you're intrinsically not at all that alike when I think about it," Phil says hurriedly. He continues, trying to explain himself. "I think Charlie searched for someone that initially looked like Alex but found someone completely different," Phil smiles.

"So that's a good thing...?" Dan says a half-grin spreading on his lips.

"Of course it is, we love you." Phil laughs, rolling his eyes before realising Dan isn't laughing with him.

"Oh?" Dan just exhales, staying quiet. Phil's ear is laying flat against Dan's heart and he can hear it beating.

"Or at least I know I do, I mean fancy you," Phil says quietly blushing. Hurriedly he adds, "Um and it's totally okay if you don't anymore and-"

Dan's fingers find Phil's cheeks, drawing him away from the comfort of Dan's chest so that Dan can look at him. 

Phil's eyes widen and he becomes tacit as Dan's eyes look into his. They're earth-like, they're the beginning of something new, of life itself. Dan grins dumbly, and it is as if his whole face has lit up, become the sun. Phil just stares as Dan begins to lean in. 

Phil's gaze flickers down, Dan's lips are pink and bitten and for some strange reason that makes Phil's heart pound violently.

When Dan's lips fit together with his, they feel soft and warm and Phil closes his eyes. The world has become nothing else but Dan Howell. The scent of him filling his nose, his warm fingers cradling Phil's jawline delicately.

"Phil, how could I stop liking you?" Dan asks, grinning, looking into Phil's eyes. "You doofus." He leans forward pecking Phil's lips again and Phil laughs with him softly.

-

"What's the time? Dan finally asks, his lips rose coloured and puffed. Dan is so pretty, even when his hair is a mess and his hoodie is wrinkled. Merely seeing Dan right now makes him want to touch a little more. Phil feels warm and content, he yawns looking out over the room with weary eyes.

"Oh um," Phil says a little dazed stretching himself after his phone. He thinks he’s lost the concept of time ever since they began talking so he has no clue what time it could be. 

For a moment gets blinded by the poignant light emitting from his phone as he presses the home button. When he finally manages to distinguish what it says his eyes widen considerably.

"It's four in the morning, oh God!" Phil exclaims with a whisper-shout. "Maybe it's time to go to bed?" Phil says looking up at Dan with wide eyes.

"Yeah mate, I guess I'll take the train back" Dan smiles, standing up. 

Phil reaches for Dan’s hand. "No, you can't take the train back in the middle of the night, what if something happens!" Phil says firmly, his eyes big and anxious. "Take my bed, I'll take the couch" Phil decides.

"Or we could both take the bed and save our poor backs?" Dan jokes. Or a least Phil thinks he does? Phil wouldn’t mind sharing a bed with Dan… it’s just he doesn’t want Dan to feel uncomfortable.

"I mean, only if you're okay with sharing a bed with me..." Phil mumbles. Dan blinks at first uncomprehending, then a wide smile blossoms up on his face, a whole secret garden filled with life and colour and Phil has never felt so special before.

Dan takes Phil’s hand in his, "of course doofus, have we established that I like you or not?" Dan smiles.

-

It’s almost funny, in a bizarre way. You see, love can be this unstoppable force, like tidal waves crashing in. Love is beautiful, raw and whimsical. It keeps strong through its highs and lows. Always coming back bringing something new. And if you ever think it’s disappeared just know it’s never gone for long.


End file.
